While being confined to a TLSO back brace this summer, I found that while I was wearing the device, I lacked the flexibility to clean myself after defecation. To rectify this problem, I was given a handy little tool by the physical therapist called a bowel movement wiper, or as we all preferred to call it, a BMW for short.

The BMW is best described by giving instructions on how to make one.

  1. Start with a foot-long piece of 1cm thick plastic rod, and a plastic triangular prism, with the edges rounded off.
  2. Bend the rod in the middle so that it makes a 135-degree angle.
  3. Fold over one end of the rod to make a handle.
  4. Hollow out the triangular prism from one of its sides. leave plastic overhangs over this hole. (Think of the sarlac in Return of the Jedi)
  5. Attach the triangular prism to the free end of the rod

To use a BMW:

  1. Take two squares of toilet paper (trust me, one square will not be enough), and lay them so that a line between two opposing corners runs concurrent with the ridge of the triangular prism opposite the hole (let this be an argument for graphics files to be allowed in writeups).
  2. Push the edges of the toilet paper into the hole of the triangular prism, so that paper is held in place by the plastic overhangs surrounding the holes.
  3. Wipe.
  4. Pull off the toilet paper from the device, assuming that it has not already become dislodged from the BMW and is resting in your butt crack. Drop it in the toilet.
  5. Grab another two squares of toilet paper and repeat until you are clean.
The obsessive-compulsive reader might now be thinking "This is a more hygenic way of doing things than using your hand, which has to be shoved in that dirty place." Sadly, that is not the case. I frequently found myself peeling off completely fouled pieces of TP from the BMW to throw in the toilet, making my hand dirtier than it would have been had I wiped myself normally. Plus, after use, the BMW usually needed to be washed off in the bathroom sink. Finally, the BMW does not get your anus as clean as a good wipe with the hand does, so one goes around feeling filthy, and sometimes itchy, all day. The best part of getting rid of my back brace was the fact that I also got to stop using the BMW.

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