Manual and Installation Guide for Home and Office Use
ever wondered why the beer prices in Sweden are so far above humane levels? It's because in Scandinavia, Pilsener in particular is scarce for drinking, due to commonly being used for turning snow into the preferred color. This manual will not only inform you about this fact, it will also remind you of this fact if needed. To be reminded of said fact, skip to the start of this paragraph.
Basic Installation: Limits to Beer Enjoyment
If consumed rigorously, limits to the enjoyment of beer do not exist. The limited velocity at which beer falls down the throat under normal (non-rigorous) conditions is due to the so-called "Laws of Motion" - see Isaac Newton for the crook responsible for this joy tax. The unsatisfying velocity however can be greatly improved on by using a beer flute or a Weizen glass, which both, compared to the common mug or stein, have vastly superior aerodynamic qualities.
Advanced Installation: Further Improve Your Beer Experience
To further improve speed, angle the full glass above your open mouth, and rapidly move your arm up and down. Note that, because its common colors "golden" and "amber" are not on the spectrum of the rainbow, beer may become faster than light using this method. At this point, time moves backward, so you are actually un-drinking the beer, which might be difficult to explain to most police officers.
Beer and Children: A Reminder
Little children under the age of five are not recommended to consume beer using the same methods, as they are unable to hold a large glass. In effect, the quantity children can consume at once from little plastic cups (or the like), whose weight they can hold, will be limited and therefore unsatisfying to them. This manual advises the circumvention of children's limited physical strength through the use of a garden hose attached to a beer keg.
Professional Risks: Put This Paragraph In or It Will Be a Liability
There are risks involved with the consumption of beer for certain professions, despite what the lobby of Big Oil may proclaim. Once you have filled a flute with your ale of choice (there are two kinds, Anheuser and Busch), there is a high risk of choking for inexperienced musicians. Yet compared to whiskey, beer has a light alcohol content and is therefore preferred by professional athletes. Up to five liters may be consumed the morning before a big match, another three are advisable during halftime.
When All "Ales" Fail(s): Insider Tip
In many countries and municipalities, beer can be difficult to acquire due to its lack of popularity. It however gets easier to acquire during summertime, when Sweden becomes a net beer exporter, as the Scandinavian snow melts.