Words and Music: Leslie Fish
From The Westerfilk Collection
, Volume One Copyright 1980 by Jordin Kare
When we pulled into Argo port in need of R. and R.,
The crew set out investigating every joint and bar.
We had high expectations of their hospitality,
But found too late it wasn't geared for spacers such as we.
And we're banned from Argo, every one.
(Yes, we're) Banned from Argo just for having a little fun.
We spent a jolly shore leave there for just three days or four,
But Argo doesn't want us anymore.
The Captain's tastes are simple, but his methods are complex.
We found him with five partners, each of different world and sex.
The Shore Police were on their way--we had no second chance.
We beamed him up in the nick of time--and the remnants of his pants.
Our Engineer would yield to none at putting down the brew.
He outdrank seven space marines and a demolition crew.
The Navigator didn't win, but he outdrank almost all,
And now they've got a shuttlecraft on the roof of City Hall.
Our proper, cool First Officer was drugged with something green,
And hauled into an alley where he suffered things obscene.
He sobered up in sickbay and he's none the worse for wear,
Except he's somehow taught the bridge computer how to swear.
The Head Nurse disappeared awhile in the major Dope Bazaar,
Buying an odd green potion "guaranteed to cause Pon-Farr"
She came home with no uniform and an oddly cheerful heart,
And a painful way of walking--with her feet a yard apart.
Our lady of communication won a ship-wide bet
By getting into the planet's main communications net.
Now every time someone calls up on an Argo telescreen,
The flesh is there, but the clothes they wear are nowhere to be seen.
The Doctor loves Humanity; his private life is quiet.
The Shore Police arrested him for inciting whores to riot.
We found him in the city jail, locked in and beamed him free--
Intact except for hickeys and six kinds of V.D.
Our Helmsman loves exotic plants; the plants all love him too.
He took some down on leave with him, and we wondered what they'd do.
'Til the planetary governor called and swore upon his life
That a gang of gang of plants entwined his house and then seduced his wife!
A gang of gang of pirates landed, and nobody seemed to care.
They stamped into the nearest bar to announce that they were there.
Half our crew was busy there, and invited them to play,
But the pirates only looked at us, and turned and ran away.
Our crew is Starfleet's finest, and our record is our pride.
And when we play we tend to leave a trail a mile wide.
We're sorry about the wreckage and the riots and the fuss;
At least we're sure that planet won't be quick forgetting us!
Okay, the story behind Banned From Argo
is a rather interesting one -- in 1977, Leslie Fish
was having an album
produced. The producer of this album mentioned (the night before recording was supposed to commence) that they had about another seven minutes of time to fill, and did Leslie have any other songs that she might want to put on the album?
Leslie, being who she is, took that as a challenge, and came up with this amazing piece of drivel in about 4 hours. And then she recorded it the next day. And it immediately became her number one request every time she went to a filksing, and it stayed there. Year after year after year after year until she finally said, "No, I will not sing Banned from Argo."
There is a project in the works (I think it's been indefinitely shelved) by Random Factors to create The Bastard Children of Argo -- an entire album of songs either on the same subject matter or to the same tune.
Now, there has been sufficient call for Leslie to write Banned From Argo, the novel, that she has done so. It's currently sitting in a slush pile, but it's going to be read, and may actually be published. (I can only hope... listening to Leslie perform the song is a riot and a half in the first place, and her writing style is amazing as well.)