(poetry) by jessicaj Mon Apr 03 2017 at 16:12:20
  1. Last night the girls and I
  2. stayed up late watching
  3. The Pink Panther.
  4. We found an old
  5. episode, from 1993
  6. where The Pink Panther
  7. speaks. My oldest turned
  8. it off, the next one
  9. featured PP receiving an
  10. alligator baby from the stork.

 

  1. I'm critical of my daughters
  2. this makes me sad. I want
  3. to think about the first time
  4. I held them, that moment
  5. when I knew, I had a new
  6. life growing inside of me.
  7. I'm trying so hard when I
  8. know that the key is to stop
  9. putting this pressure on
  10. myself and them. 

 

  1. Last night an attorney
  2. told me a woman at work
  3. is manipulating me 
  4. emotionally. Something
  5. about our interactions felt off
  6. I didn't recognize it for what
  7. it was, I'm not that kind of
  8. person. I never learned how
  9. to protect my inner self.
  10. But I'm stronger now.

 

  1. My boss helps me. When I
  2. confess that I am a terrible 
  3. mother she reminds me of 
  4. how I treat my daughter when
  5. we are at work, walking
  6. around together, shopping,
  7. grabbing what we want,
  8. if I'm exhausted, so are they.
  9. I don't care if we sleep, 
  10. I never got enough when I was a kid.

 

  1. Last night I told my youngest
  2. that my oldest was now the mom.
  3. Hearing her tone of voice, what
  4. she said, it tore at my heartstrings.
  5. The cruelty, the 'I don't give a fuck
  6. about you or anyone else as I sit
  7. on my computer, typing away',
  8. that scared me, I don't know what
  9. to do, but anxiety comes from inaction
  10. so I have to do something.

 

  1. Make a meal, set down guidelines
  2. this is what we do at mom's place
  3. whether dad likes it or not. We can
  4. communicate better, cook, clean,
  5. eat some actual meals instead of
  6. foraging. My boss is so awesome, 
  7. she tells me about her dad, he was
  8. a single parent who came home to
  9. bratty kids, bills, dishes, laundry,
  10. let's go fishing he told her one day.

 

  1. You have to give yourself time
  2. to grieve, to heal, to mourn, that
  3. which feels lost, when it's really me
  4. who can fix things. Because I am a
  5. rock star at work. That makes other
  6. women jealous. They have husbands, 
  7. boyfriends, but say that guys like me.
  8. I can be single, be strong, love
  9. my baby who will be turning fourteen
  10. in July after her sister turns 16 in May.

 

  1. I can never go back, undo the past
  2. unhave children, if I would, I want
  3. a better life for them than the one
  4. I had, the one they have now, where
  5. we live in a really nice place, that
  6. has no privacy, no laughter, no joy.
  7. I want to stop spending money like
  8. presents are going to bring us closer.
  9. They won't. I tried that. What it 
  10. showed them was mom feels guilty.

 

  1. I need a plan. Here it is. A place
  2. we can start. Get professional 
  3. help because this is way past what
  4. one woman can know, or deal with
  5. when she hasn't been taught how
  6. to balance power and authority
  7. with mercy and accountability. I
  8. have more money than I did, but
  9. that isn't the real problem. Am I
  10. broken? For sure, but cracks can heal.

 

  1. A woman I work with told me that
  2. I should apply for disability. Where
  3. would that leave me and the girls?
  4. With another employment gap, that
  5. wouldn't help me really, I'm a good 
  6. employee. I work very hard, and I'm
  7. very smart. She's less of an asset 
  8. than I am. Is she just jealous? I
  9. think so, this morning I heard that
  10. anger is an acid buring its container.         

 

  1. I have beautiful children. Fair, smart,
  2. funny, I don't do the things I should
  3. for them, and then I cry at night, or 
  4. even during the day, at work. But
  5. last night when I told a woman who
  6. knows them she told me that her mom
  7. was the same kind of parent I am, and
  8. she said that she turned out okay, so
  9. maybe, they will too. You, me, sister
  10. makes three. Daddy is gone, let's just breathe. 

I like it! This writeup has been cooled by:  
Jet-PoopX 1 C!

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