Why has it taken me two weeks to write this? Sometimes the words just flow... and sometimes not.
It's all happening in my life.
Not only is this the most important year of my life, but renovations have been happening at my house, I have an intermittent job at KFC, and I've been taking a couple of trips to and from Melbourne. However, the shit really hit the fan this week.
Before I continue with my story, I must flash back to
the story about the joke about the thief in the night the beginning of all this madness. Don't worry, I'll clean up the mess afterwards.
I can't even remember what date it was, but I went to the auditions for the annual school musical we hold. I've been a part of each one since I've been here, and you'll never of heard of some of them.
- In yr 7 (2002), I was Mr. James in the "world premiere" of Town On The Map, about a dying, fictional town somewhere in Australia that has a horrible secret.
- In yr 8 (2003), I was a ticket seller and usher for a rehashed version of The Wizard Of Oz.
- In yr 9 (2004), I was Chris in yet another "world premiere" - School Rox, where a girl moves into town and causes a bit of chaos by messing with the school's annual routine.
- In yr 10 (2005), I was the Secretary to the Duke of Buckingham in another rehash: this time of The Three Musketeers. I had to put on the dopiest French accent ever.
- In yr 11 (2006), I was a pirate cook in Pan The Man - you guessed it - an alternate Peter Pan. Ooh-aar, there'll be fried Neverlander for dinner tonight, me hearties.
This year, the play was going to be 2061: A Space Idiocy, a spoof of not only 2001, but also Star Trek, Star Wars, and other "compulsory viewing"1 for everyone who cared or cares. Anywho, the story is: Captain James Cook (yes, a shot at the guy who had something to do with the discovery of Australia) is on an important and top secret mission: to deliver the Princess of Earth, "Barbie", to the planet Zenos to take part in an arranged marriage that will end years of potential death and destruction. On the way, they stop to pick up the survivor of a terrible shipwreck, who has been attacked by aliens. He goes by the name Custer, and his introduction comes by way of the following piece of dialogue:
- Captain: Well, sir, that was like Custer's last stand down there. ...Anyway, the name's Cook, Captain James Cook, and you are...?
- Stranger: ...Custer. General George Custer.
Yes. The jokes are baaaaaaaaaaaad puns. Custer falls in love with the Princess and she returns it, which is almost certainly going to wreck the marriage. They Must Be Stopped! (cue dramatic music)
...The audition. I originally set out for the part of Spotsworth Cook, a.k.a. "Spotty", the Captain's ambitious, empty-headed son. I auditioned, I got called back, and I was asked to read out the part of Custer. And I was given it. Bah. Turns out that some of the male yr 12 students are uneasy around the girl who plays the Princess. Mainly because the two have to sing a love duet and kiss each other. Cowards! Fucking cowards! So I stepped up.
...Yesterday afternoon. I have taken piano lessons of a Thursday afternoon for at least 9 years now, and my teacher, who normally teaches at the local primary school, has continued teaching me since I left the primary school. (That's the equivalent of an elementary school, by the way.) She's from the UK and she's become a great family friend. And she's moving back in October.
No more lessons for me. We haven't had a decent lesson in a while anyway, not since the renovations have started. But still, 9 years of lessons, it's gotta make you at least a bit upset. And believe me, it did. It's a huge, huge shame. We have so much fun in our lessons these days, since I started just playing for fun, to get away from life for a while.
I rang her up after she left my place, remembering something: tonight was the last night of the musical that I was playing a semi-lead in. I had to at least ask her if she was available to come and see it. She couldn't. This was a blow beyond blows, for me and likely for her as well. It was after I hung up that I decided that I would go out there and give it my all anyways, for her.
...The performance. I got there, my sister (on makeup) gussied me up, and I went back to the dressing room. I warmed up my voice with my friends: we've been doing this thing that the guy who plays the Captain started, which are two snippets of dialogue from two different places: one from the Chicago Bulls, the other is from Halo.
- Him: What time is it?
- Us: Game time!
- Him: Can I get a "hoo-rah"?
- Us: Hoo-rah!
So I warmed up my voice with that, plus I sang a few other songs, and got ready for my first scene: fighting aliens. The excerpts here are all copyrighted by Play On Words.
Custer takes a few practise swings.
- Custer: We have to defend ourselves somehow.
- Bowie: I'll go see if I can find some clubs, sir. (exits)
- Bowie: Found some clubs, sir. (brandishes a bag of golf clubs)
- Bowie: It's hard to judge the distance to those creatures, sir.
- Custer: You're right, Bowie, better give me a three wood.
- Bowie: Come on sir, there's no time for that. It's not the Golf War.
The crew sent on the mission - who, by the way, are on board the starship "Subsidise" - are beamed down by Spotty, in tune to the song "Beam Us Up, Spotty", along with many hammed-up actions - a couple of them somewhat reminiscent of the Power Rangers. Anyway, I'm rescued, and brought aboard the ship. It's there and then that I meet the princess Barbie. There's a love duet (very early in the play, I reckon) between the two of us, and we bugger off, ignoring the androids' attempt to give the princess a drink.
I can remember, the instant Barbie and I did our little dialogue, someone went "Awww"... I found out today that it was my sister's best friend. Curse! A curse on her! ...anyway.
I had a quick costume change, then went back on for a somewhat quicker scene, again with Barbie. Then we went off again, and it was intermission. During the period before intermission, the Captain bravely went out to close the shields to avoid an oncoming meteor shower and got hit by one. Science Officer Spook, a Vulcan, is left at the console while everyone else has a memorial service for him, led by Spotty... erm, I mean, CAPTAIN Spotsworth. Then:
- Spook: (jumps up on the Captain's chair) O Captain, my Captain, we can't leave you out there, maybe wounded but waiting in vain for rescue. I'm coming Captain, this may cost me my career, my life, but I could never sleep again if I didn't at least search for you. (jumps down) First I must engage the automatic pilot. (takes a rope out from the console, throws it over the steering wheel and the Captain's chair) That seems secure enough. (exits)
Beautiful hamming there, Mustard n Custard. In any case, later on Spook finds the captain, and Spotty immediately starts crawling again. End of Act 1. The start of Act 2 saw two emergencies: an alien is brought on board, and the warp engine cooling tanks bugger up. Both spell disaster, until they are unwittingly saved by two traitors. Shame, that. Anyway, my next scene comes when I'm announcing my engagement to Barbie, and get hauled away by the guards; the next scene after that, I'm handcuffed to Spotty and we've been kept on the ship, away from the wedding. They don't want Spotty there to wreck things, and they need me to stay away to keep the blushing bride from ruining her own wedding. There's a scene which further shows Spotty's incompitens and my desperation to get to that wedding and see Barbie off for the last time.
- Custer: (standing up) Spotty, how about we just leave the ship and go to the wedding? You said you wanted to go.
- Spotty: (pulling Custer back down) I know. But Captain Daddy left me in charge, and he said we can't go. Someday I want to be an Admiral... No, I don't disobey an order, we stay put.
- Custer: (pulling out his wallet) You're very strong on this, Spotty... would there be any change if I gave you... a thousand dollars?
- Spotty: Not if it was all in notes George.
- Custer: What?
- Spotty: You need coins for change, George, you know that!
- Custer: And you're a perfect idiot, you know that?
- Spotty: Listen, I may be an idiot, but I'm certainly not perfect!
So then I tricked him into getting into the transporter, as you do. We beamed down to the planet. Another ultra-quick costume change, and I'm back, again with Spotty, on the planet and ready for the wedding. My wedding. Where I marry Barbie. Yes, me. The Prince of Zenos. ...enough of that. The ultimate question: Yes, I kissed her. No, I'll say nothing more.
So afterwards, I learn from the director - an English teacher - that we were absolutely
The songs were good, the acting was top notch, and we, as a whole, banded together.
I think I would have done my music teacher proud.
...The cast party. We had pizza and soft drinks, danced and played Frisbee. I scored one of the toy lightsabers used against me in my first scene as a memento. I danced like a lunatic, and nobody noticed. There were some actual decent songs, too. Then it was 11:00 pm, and I went home to a hot water bottle.
So, all in all, a good night.