In the interest of full transparency in my campaign for President of the United States of America, I am taking time now to take questions from the audience. I don't know if you know what an audience is or not, but it is where you have people sitting in chairs watching as you do shit on a stage. These are questions noders have asked me. Consider this my first town hall meeting.

QUESTION: I'm excited about your new economy. Can you explain how people will be made to work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week without breaks?

ANSWER: Sleep is an absurd liberal myth. You've been seduced by the lame fuckery that is liberalism. With a sound enough beating, and enough of them to make them see the end of their life on the horizon, you can get people to do all kinds of things liberals are afraid to try. There isn't a single liberal who will support this policy because their "science," which is wrong, dead wrong, tells them people need "sleep" and "rest" and this only promotes laziness. If you take three full hits to the head with a lead pipe, you won't be able to sleep. You'll work. Lardy, you WILL WORK. You have to at least be willing to try things, and this is something I want to try.

QUESTION: What is reconstituted piss?

ANSWER: This is piss that has been reconstituted.

QUESTION: At times I have heard you mention that you are part of Joan Crawford's work group in Hades. What exactly are you talking about.

ANSWER: First, let me explain that "Behr in Hades" is part of the Behr Extended Universe and not part of the canon. Enrico Fermi made this clear to me in the days before he absconded to Russia with my time travel building. My "leaping" through time is part of the canon, in case you were also wondering about that.

QUESTION: This is a follow-up question to my last question. What is it like in Hades?

ANSWER: For you it would be hellish, but keep in mind that I once used rusty garden shears to cut open my scrotum, pull out one of my testicles, awkwardly put it up on a table, slice it in half with a steak knife, and then put it back inside. I then sewed up my scrotum with unsanctified yarn. They didn't know what to do with me, so they gave me a battlefield promotion and I am now a servant of "the dark one." When you are part of a work group, things are different. You get to do the torturing instead of being tortured. It is wonderful. I want to bring that kind of thing to America. That is why I am running for president.

QUESTION: I was at one of your rallies recently and heard you speak about your fracking plans for the Grand Canyon. Can you elaborate on this fascinating topic?

ANSWER: Sure. It is fascinating. The Grand Canyon is tired and no one is interested in it any longer. There must be some kind of minerals in there. We need to start fracking there within my first hundred days in office. That is a thing, you know. The first hundred days. 

QUESTION: When you are elected president, do you plan to allow young women to perform oral sex on you in the Oval Office?

ANSWER: Yes, I want to normalize that as soon as possible. 

QUESTION: What is your current feeling about the elves? You have talked about signing a peace treaty with them in the 19th century, and yet you still speak disparagingly about them.

ANSWER: The elves helped to open my mind and we found common ground. There is a lot of resentment there over that date I had with the lady who told me she was only interested in sex with elves and not me. And then there are films I have seen like Robin Hood: Prince of Elves that I am not sure now if they are factual or not. My father signed the Treaty of Brest-Litovsk no fewer than six times, so I know a thing or two about signing treaties. It is in my genetic coding.

QUESTION: Your plans to eliminate math and science from America is a great idea. I also find these things tiresome and hateful. I think it is high time we tried something else.

ANSWER: Thank you. Yes, we need to try something else.

QUESTION: Have there been any sightings of the hairless ass weasel lately? The last we heard he had attacked people at the psychiatric facility you were being held in.

ANSWER: I am not sure the hairless ass weasel is male. As of this time I have not examined its sex organs. It moves too quickly and is too vicious.

QUESTION: In your writings about the Straight White Men's Cultural Center, there seems to be a lot of man on man action going on. Can you explain why this goes on so much in a supposedly "straight" white men's cultural center?

ANSWER: This is often something that confuses people. We do this to show support and comradeship. There is no emotion involved. It is straight as an arrow what we do in there together. Mostly I went there to use the lending library and didn't participate in any of the masked rituals they put on at night.

QUESTION: What will be your theme song during your run for the presidency?

ANSWER: I am not aware of any music released after 1980. Chopper has recommended Sympathy for the Devil by a band called The Rolling Stones, who I am somewhat familiar with. He's also recommended the song Come to Daddy by the band Aphex Twin because he says I have a similar face to the gentleman in that video when I get excited before a kill.

QUESTION: I'm really glad you are running against Donald Trump for the Republican nomination. He's too extreme for my tastes. What do you think your chances are?

ANSWER: I intend to peel away a lot of his diehard base, because they are ready now for something more extreme and Trump doesn't have the stomach for what needs to be done. I do. I have had my stomach replaced in the extended universe because of ripping out all my internal organs and ending up in Hades. The next steps need to be taken. I am the man. Thank you, my friends. No more question. Obedience.

Log in or register to write something here or to contact authors.