In the interest of expanding our friendship (you with Friend Behr), I would like to insist that you come with me. We will go to a little metal room where you will be touched by uncouth Russian men with a taste for it. This will go on for several days and I will be looking. It won't be sexual. It will just be touching, i.e. pushing on your arm with a finger, a hand on your hand, a tongue on the sole of your foot. Very casual like that. I think it will orient me towards what I will do with you once this evaluation period is complete.
You see, I need bodies to drive my new economy and to do this I have to find the right components. By locking you in a small metal room for several days with uncouth Russian men who will constantly touch you during this time period will reveal to me your character. I don't know if you know what character is or not, but it means who you really are under your clothes, i.e. naked and blessed with so many gifts.
Forced labor is something I'd love to see you pressed into, as a friend. I would watch via closed circuit television as you are beaten by men with clubs and pushed into a deep coal mine shaft to WORK. That is what I want for you, to feel the bliss of work and servitude. It will grace you and you will be raised up higher than you've been since your first orgasm. You will be learning to WORK for real.
Work involves being pushed and forced to do things twenty-four hours a day by people superior to you. After all, you are a weak and pathetic person, albeit my friend, and for you there is NO option other than forced labor or meat processing. You know your life has been meaningless and now you will work for me and eventually become meat for my super soldiers after I am elected president. This you know to be true. Submit now to servitude. It will be in your best interest. You will never taste freedom again in the depths of my cruel coal mines, my friends. You will be pushed in there and you will be locked in there. I expect HIGH coal production from your digging. Oh lardy, you WILL DIG!
This is how I express friendship, through love and work. Only by forcing you to work twenty-four hours a day, every day for the rest of your life can I prove to you my love for you. And even after you die, to really prove my love, I will absolutely insist that after you die they keep you working for two years by beating your body and throwing it into a pit and making it do things in that pit. This will be called "pit work" in my new economy.
The promise of my new economy will impress you with its excellence. I promise you that about the promise of my new economy. Send donations to General Delivery, Utica Post Office. NO DONATIONS LOWER THAN $70,000 WILL BE ACCEPTED. I can't be friends with people who don't have that level of disposable income. It would be akin to lowering my standards and I will NOT lower my standards, my friends.
I have to meet tomorrow with my campaign chairman, Chopper, who has told me he has learned that you cannot run for President of the United States of America if you were not born in the country. I was born either in Germany or in some Slovakian gypsy camp, so that would disqualify me. This is causing me such chagrin (Internet kiddie terminology). My plan for America is so redeeming and full of love that without it I fear this planet will sink into the mud.
Contributions still accepted until I find out for sure about this born in the country wrinkle.
My friends.