Dear MoJoe:

Which acid is best for dissolving human remains? I was really looking for an advice column for Confused Criminals, but this was the closest I could find.

- Wanted in New Jersey

Dear Wanted in NJ,

It is immediately apparent to me that you are some sort of criminally insane deviant, hell-bent on malicious destruction and wanton violence. Helping you scour the blood of the innocent from your hand after a psychotic episode of lethiferous butchery would only serve to pull me in to your barbed skein of carnage and self-destruction.
Though a tempting prospect; I must admit that I am hesitant. I am of a serious doubt that my Wednesday night bible study group would understand.

Still, though better moral judgement screams the contrary at the top of it's comically weak little lungs; I must avail my faithful readers, as I am but their humble servant.

I have always found that a bathtub full of either industrial grade potassium hydroxide or sodium hydroxide works flawlessly. Please be sure to do this in someone else's bathtub, as these chemicals have a habit of laying waste to absolutely everything and I will not, under any circumstances, be held responsible for the destruction or degradation of your water closet and/or any of its components.

My more shrewd readers -- if there truly are any, I remain doubtful -- may have noted that neither potasium hydroxide(KOH) nor sodium hydroxide(NaOH) are acids but rather that they are alkaline or base in nature. If for some reason you absolutely must have something acidic; super high grade hydrochloric acid(HCI) or sulfuric acid(H2S04) will do the trick. Finding these chemicals shouldn't pose a major difficulty to an intellectual dynamo such as yourself. There was over 10 million tons of sodium hydroxide produced world wide last year alone. Here is a place to start:

Please, at least try to cut a swath of responsibility through the rambling fields of chaos that is your life and take the proper safety precautions. I would find it difficult to sleep at night if I knew that I had endangered the fragile and worthless lives of one of my devoted readers with my advice.

These are dangerous skin corrosive chemicals (obviously). Make sure to wear industrial grade, double thick rubber coverings over your entire body and goggles on your eyes. You only get one set of lungs, please be sure to obtain a respirator as these materials all emit dangerous hyper-toxic gasses.

Opening the mouth of the... subject, and forcing a gallon or so of the brew of choice down the gullet will expedite the process by corroding it from the inside as well -- or so I've heard. Mixing these chemicals together is what would classically consider a "bad idea". Not only might it cause a violent and unpredictable chemical reaction, but mixing an acid with a base gives you something about as corrosive as the pee-water found in a community kiddie pool.

That is all the help you will get from me scum. And be aware, should you decide to come for me next, my manse is patrolled by heavily armed guerillas of war with an uncanny appetite for blood and a platoon of rabid pit bulls, raised on raw meat and beaten daily. I go nowhere without a mobile force of simian grunts and my trusty manservant Mr. Toasterleavings; who is trained in the deadly art of the Dim Mak and carries an absurd arsenal of exotic and highly illegal weapons and explosives on his person at all times (even to bed). He kills on my whim; best keep your distance knave!

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