Is it really you answering all the questions? Or is it just some underpaid staffer going through them all, and composing stock replies pretending to come from your almightiness?
Jeered-at in Jerusalem
Dear Jeered-at in Jerusalem,
You will no doubt be able to back up your scandalous slander with an invincible
legal defense. Everyone is aware that I keep a pit of rabid lawyers on retainer for just such an occasion. Headed up by my crack legal advisor, Mr. ToasterLeavings, this elite squadron of venomous and puissant legal Warlords makes even my most stalwart henchmen cringe in revulsion. These are men who not only play sickeningly chummy games of golf with the judge, but who will also go down on him, given the secluded privacy of the back nine or even his office. These are men who don't spit; not a one.
You have no doubt come to the conclusion that you are fucked. This is not be entirely true as there may be a way for you to retain your dignity, respect and some of your personal effects.
I lied. You're still fucked, I just wanted to give you one last luminescent moment of hopeful buoyancy before you hit the iceberg that is my legal strike force and sink pathetically into the murksome, frigid sea of confusion, poverty and eventually drug addiction followed by a lonely, unnoticed demise.
I've been giving this particular smidge of advice quite frequently as of late but I must expostulate with you to resist the temptingly earthly path of self-preservation. To euthanize yourself cleverly (should you be capable) would ensure at least some comforts to your family (via the doubtful chance that you have life insurance) and spare them the bothersome process of abjuring you from their already meaningless lives (nobody wants a poverty stricken, junky for a daddy).
Back to "Ask moJoe : Advice for the Criminally Confused"
Please, someone help us. We are trapped under the U.S. Bank tower in downtown Portland in what is disguised as a storage closet. Thankfully, moJoe is blind as a bat and wont see this message. It is the only one I dare risk as his proofreader, Mr. ToasterLeavings, is out of town conspiring against him with that Ideath girl. PLEASE SEND HELP!!