I was able to get this world EXCLUSIVE
interview with Apu Nahasapeemapetilon
, head of the Springfield
Kwik-E-Mart. This is a rare moment, as Apu
is a very private person.
Zari: Obviously, the burning question on everyone's mind is this; Are you really head of the Kwik-E-Mart?
Apu: That is a very interesting question indeed. I am not the head of the entire Kwik-E-Mart chain, but I did purchase this single Kwik-E-Mart. So, I am the head of this Kwik-E-Mart.
Z: What about the recent Squishee controversy? Is it true that you've been watering down the Squishie mix?
A: Oh that is a lie, all a lie I tell you! You will not find a better Squishee at another Kwik-E-Mart, anywhere. Those people who are saying these things, oh they must be confused.
Z: How about the allegations that you were also serving tofu dogs to people instead of the regular meaty hotdogs that most people expect? Is that a lie too?
A: Oh yes, that is a lie too. I serve only special Kwik-E-Mart hotdogs. I do not serve tofu. Why must you keep asking me these questions?
Z: Well, the people want to know... so I'm asking the questions that are on everyone's mind.
A: Oh you are a bad bad woman, you are. You only want to slander Apu and the Kwik-E-Mart name! I will not stand for this. Out, out! Out of my store! And give me back that Squishee!
Z: But, but...
Tape is cut off here
As you can see, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon is not ready to answer the tough questions. He is, however, the head of the Kwik-E-Mart. A lone man, standing tall against the tide of consumers high on a Squishee sugar rush, defending the Kwik-E-Mart name to his dying day. Apu, we salute you!
The Nodeshell Rescue Team likes Squishees.