arrived at the Jolly Collier Bar and Hotel slightly but imperceptibly quivering with excitement and just as imperceptibly but surely swaying under a mild besotting. He was dressed in his finest one-piece tuxedo for this was no ordinary evening.
Winston Churchill strode towards the front desk in twenty-three powerful, rolling steps then paused to collect his breath before embarking on the final thirteen steps. Before he could muster the breath to introduce himself and state his business the permanent patient smile of a receptionist bade him good evening and informed him that if he was with the conference to just pop his name down here and it was through those doors and left at the end of the hall and a room had been reserved for him and here was his key, that was up those stairs on that side to the third floor and if there were any problems not to hesitate to let a member of staff know and they hoped he would enjoy his stay. Winston Churchill thought he saw the receptionist wink at him but he could not be sure.
Winston Churchill nodded at the receptionist then strode mightily towards the Jolly Collier conference room. Two armed guards had been posted at the door.
'This is a private conference mush, what's your name?' a six foot seven inch dreadlocked bear-man snarled down at him.
Winston Churchill, who was not known for his tolerance of fools, graciously and mercifully tolerated this one.
'I am Winston Churchill you fool, let me through.'
'O of course gaffer, right you are' the bear-man said, changing his tune to a more melodious sycophancy.
Winston Churchill stepped past the guards into the Jolly Collier conference room to find that Adolf Hitler, Josef Stalin, Franklin D. Roosevelt, and Benito Mussolini were all already present. A glitter ball hung from the ceiling, turning first this way, then that, painting the walls with an ever-moving smattering of reflected light. Winston Churchill smiled appreciatively at the touch of glamour that the glitter ball lent to the event.
All cheered raucously upon Winston Churchill's arrival, patting him on the back and at his flanks and legs. 'Come on Churchill where is it?' demanded a breathless Franklin D. Roosevelt. 'Calm down lads' Winston Churchill said, fishing in his underwear. With great effort, given the difficulty of access that comes with a one-piece zip-up tuxedo, Winston Churchill finally produced a two-ounce bag of pure cocaine. 'Let's take a long hard look in a mirror lads' Winston Churchill encouraged the others amidst more cheering. Adolf Hitler started measuring out lines while Winston Churchill passed around his box of Romeo y Julieta cigars.
With at least six grams of pure cocaine in his head and almost quite oblivious to the exact identity of his listener or whether he was being heard Benito Mussolini spoke at great length about his good friend, indeed he was not afraid to call him his best friend and with no exaggeration one of the greatest men to ever offer us the honour of kneeling in his shadow, Adolf Hitler.
Most men would not have suffered through such a verbal onslaught but you must keep in mind that Winston Churchill was no ordinary man. Winston Churchill was made of much tougher stuff than any ordinary man. Winston Churchill had an endless well of patience to draw from and could hear a man with a head full of cocaine talk bollocks until far past the point that anybody else would have packed it in.
Eventually there came an opportunity to interrupt and Winston Churchill leapt at it before Benito Mussolini was able to take it for himself again.
'Now you listen here Benny, you want to watch that Hitler geezer. He's just as devious as that septum of his' Winston Churchill said, exhibiting his famous wit.
Benito Mussolini roared with mirth while out of the corner of his eye Winston Churchill watched Adolf Hitler become increasingly agitated as he attempted to force Natalia, the Polish cleaner who had wandered in, to take a large amount of money from him.
'Chill out comrade, let's have another line' said Josef Stalin to Winston Churchill.
Franklin D. Roosevelt had fallen onto his back from an attempt to impress Natalia with a wheelchair trick that he had never quite been able to pull off.
Natalia left the conference in disgust. Adolf Hitler briskly followed after her. Glancing behind him he caught Winston Churchill's eye and smirked as, quite fittingly, NWA's 'Fuck The Polish' could be heard coming from Josef Stalin's stereo.