April 4, 2001

Today is the National Day of Silence

Also check out The E2 Musical Project

Okee, i dont usually write daylogs because i dont see them as worthwhile things. I mean, hey, they dont do anything except give me one more wu, and thats not all that important. Also, i am one of thoes people who, almost everyday, vote-dumps on the day logs, and votes down everything. And I dont really mind if other people do the same thing. Hey, unless you vote down ALL my nodes, there is no way that you are really gonna inpact my XP, unless you are a god, and if you used your powers to curse me for this, well, thats just abuse. And becides, everybody will tell you, with the exception of newbies, that XP dosent matter. I mean really, most people have enough XP to be up at least two or three levels. Dont even think about people like Pi, nate, the EDB, or a few others who have XP that would make you dizzy. Anyway now for the point. Have you noticed that daylogs are MUCH LONGER than they were a year ago, Look at April 4, 2000, there short. Whats with that? ehh, anyway, thats it, let the vote dumping commence.

OK, Damn it, what can be done with low rep. write ups that are good?!

Seriously, I've been trying to get my three lowest nodes (two -4's and a -3) up at least to zero reputation for the past few days.

My lowest node, Diminishing Freedom in America is really good, the reason why it has been shot down to a low reputation is because once (in a moment of complete mental abberation) I linked to it in the cheddarbox, that's it, only once, on one night, and so everyone who felt so inclined went and downvoted it just because of my nodevertising.

Don't get me wrong, I hate nodevertising, and I don't consider what I'm doing right now to be nodevertising.

I'm not asking for your votes! I'm asking for some kind being out there to go to a node of mine, and read it, and /msg me with a suggestion if you feel so inclined.
My next lowest node is a daylog about a day that "sucked", so I can see why it got voted down, really all I say is "my day sucked, yesterday sucked, this sucks", so I see why it's been voted down, and I'm not into going back to fix a daylog, it's like editing your journal to change your past opinions. I felt shitty on March 29, 2001, so that's what I wrote about in my daylog.

The next lowest is the node for the date of J.D. Salinger's birthday.
It's pretty thread-bare, and there isn't much to it, I had a hard link to another node I did about The Bible's Influence on Catcher in the Rye, but I took the mention of that away a while back for fear that people would downvote it for nodevertising.
In all reality, the node for Salinger's birthdate has very little information on it, when, on the other hand, the other J.D. Salinger node I did has a ton of information in it.


The worst thing about my current period of self-evaluation is that I've been concentrating on soft-linking my nodes so much, and updating old nodes that I've gotten a sort of noders block.
I just haven't been quite driven as much as usual on E2, and I hate that because I just reached level 4, and I really love noding, and reading nodes, I just love it.
But I guess being blocked creatively and inspirationally is better for E2 than if I was just noding a bunch of shit just for the sake of noding it.


Anyhow this is a daylog, I'll tell about my day.

Today I didn't have to go to work (yay!) so I slept until noon, and got out of bed at one.
I went out with my dad to do some shopping (got myself a bike lock and helmet).

Later on I went out with my best friend, Nick (who withdrew, or dropped out as I call it, from high school, much to my disappointment, I told him to stick with it for two more months) and another friend named Bethany.

Nick said we should play mini-golf, so we did.

Imagine your are having a nice little family outing, the whole family family together, Mom, Dad, Buddy, and Sis all playing mini-golf on a sunny afternoon, when all of a sudden you look over by the zebras and see a boy and a girl wrestling on the ground at the a zebra's feet.
The boy is sitting over the girl with a putter raised over his head screaming "How many strokes did I have on the last hole, bitch?" and the girl yells through her hysterical laughter "Four, fuckhead!", then the boy slaps her ass with the putter (hard) and says "Wrong again, I had three."

We all decided that we need to play mini-golf more often.

did it. quit my job yesterday. still have a month here until i can actually step out of this heartless trap... only downside is that my access to internet will be severely restricted...ah well

it's wednesday now and i can't wait to get drunk and disorderly coming weekend...i need a release, i need a release, i need a release.

okay, enough. will start thinking about writing a real interesting node.

Yikers, I just survived Two-for-Tuesday.

I am now a plaintiff in two class-action lawsuits. One is against the US Government for screwing with my money when I left the military (damn bean counters). The other one involves TCI, who made my Proscan big-screen television.

...

What do you say when someone you never met dreamed about you? BoltOfLight, whom I have chatted with in the catbox a few times, had an interesting dream that included me. Luckily it wasn't one of those dreams. I've been getting a ration of shyt from riverrun over it.

For those who are fans of my adopted Sis, gahachino, she stopped by to say hello, and to say she's still alive. Speaking of non-dead status folks, Aphrodite has re-appeared amoung us mere mortals again, and it's good to see her back.

For those who have not asked yet, our dear friend I_0WnZ_yEw has gone on to node heaven. He was above Pseudo_Intellectual in the Everything's Best Users list, which wasn't fair to he who had earned it. I do think that I_0WnZ_yEw owns the node-fu record at 11578.

...

For those who are interested, some discussion has begun on The E2 Musical Project. We will keep you up to date on our progress.

Toronto.

I've yet to run outside, or explore the city and make it my own again, but it's in the air, I think. This is Toronto. It hasn't hit me that I live here, not yet. I still feel like a guest of Venk, a guest of the city... I suppose it'll all start hitting soon. Once I get my cell phone's area code changed, and I have to put my new address on everything, it'll start hitting.

I don't know if I'm ready for that. I don't think it matters, though.

...

Jes is screaming about 'wampum' again. She is also waving a pringles can around and threatening to hunt me, presumably to build better weapons from my bones, or some such. She gets this way, sometimes.

...

I have lost my train of thought.

Thank God it's the National Day of Silence, because right now, my head needs it.

Last night, being my birthday, I went out drinking with some friends. God, I'm not getting drunk again. I always say that, but I think I mean it. I'm not sick, but I have the worst headache. Worse yet, I sang karaoke. There's no way I would ever do that sober...

Worse--I saw a friend of mine at the bar; I haven't seen her for months, and wondered why. She said she doesn't come around anymore since she was raped. I was shocked. "I'm sorry. I didn't know." "No, of course you didn't," she said. If I ever find the guy, if we ever find him (there's a whole group of us) will beat him within an inch of his life. Not kill him--that would be too nice. Make him suffer.

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money. -- Jack Handy's "Deep Thoughts"

I don't know exactly what happens when your head is too conflicted, and everything becomes an incessant, horrible struggle.. but I guess I will find out very soon.

Today is also National Kick Butts Day.

Today, when your smoke break comes around, think about why you want to go out to the smoking area. While you think about it, also think about what you are doing to your body each time you take a draw from the cigarette.

What have I done today? Well, I did a Code Review. Just print off lots of code and make notes on the sheets as to what needs to be changed. Not much to do on this one, the third one on this project so everyone is getting their head around what is expected and what needs to be done.

Lots of reading and I managed to get a node in (rare for me). I was even congratulated 3 times on how good it was, or was that just to let me down gently to tell me I had a spelling mistake? In case you're wondering, You ARE the weakest link. Goodbye. I'm heartened to see that I am staying quite safely at exactly halfway down the other users nodelet. It means I'm not falling behind!
I've also been listening to the voicemails on psychoexgirlfriend.com. Yes it could be a consiracy, set up to sell T-Shirts but I actually know someone who is 2 steps away from turning into that psycho! I do not relish the prospect!

Plans, you ask?
None as yet, I went to a comedy night at a local pub last night and since I'm trying to save money, I think I'll stay in and watch ER.

I slept in today and got into work late. Nobody complained. I can't figure out if it's good or bad. My mananger stopped by to tell me that I could take some training. If not for the company but for myself. I'm trying to greet everybody who comes to my cube with a smile so that they don't worry about the company after we just adjusted the finacials.
Many may think that this is a lot of bitching over something as small as a job but I've put in a lot of time and I really like the my peers here. We've done some pretty cool things and have shared a lot of experiences.

I told my daughter that I was sad about work. And she said you need a kiss. She's really scary smart because it made things better. She seems a bit less depressed today. I think she might miss her mother but I don't know. She might just be trying for attention.

Worked till late last night getting a web site up for a friend. My wife and I talked with her on the phone till past midnight she is really sweet. She was really surprised how easy it was.

The baby's birtday will be April 11, 2001. How strange to know it already.

We just went into the doctor's surgery to speak to the consultant. The scan last week showed that the baby is oblique breech, meaning it's diagonal in the uterus, with its bottom and feet down. (This is not normal - babies at this stage should be head down). The appointment was to discuss what we should do about it.

The consultant poked around my enormous belly and stated that it was now breech, meaning that its bottom had settled into position to come out first. This change is a good thing, since if it were still transverse, they would want me to come into the hospital and wait for it to be born. With a due date 2 weeks away, that just sounds horrible. No E2...

As things stand, there are a number of options.

1. Try to turn the baby by external manipulation. This has about a 60% chance of success, but there's also the chance of foetal distress and an emergency ¹ Caesarian section right then. Although the doctor didn't discuss pain, I have looked into it, and the procedure is uncomfortable at the very least. If the baby went head down, and stayed that way (some do shift back), we could have a normal birth.
   Further web research by my better half has just revealed that in cases of Rh incompatibility (I'm Rh-, he's Rh+), exernal manipulation is not recommended. There's too much chance of foetal bleeding, which is A VERY BAD THING INDEED.
2. Since the doctor thinks it's breech (I'm not sure, based on where the kicking comes from), just wait on things and try a standard delivery. Now, I know from talking it over with mothers of breech babies that this is not fun, not even by the standards of childbirth in general.
3. Book us in for an elective ² section.

Option 1 really didn't grab me. If it were that or go through a breech birth, then I would have jumped at it. But it failed the Guilt Test...if something went wrong, and we found ourself rushing for an emergency section, and (God forbid) the baby was in distress, I would blame myself terribly.

Option 2 was right out.

So we're scheduled for a C-section on Wednesday, April 11, 2001. The first choice date, medically speaking (Friday April 13) was ruled out because it's Good Friday, a bank holiday, and the hospital will be (relatively) lightly staffed (can't say I mind skipping surgery on Friday the 13th). The second choice, Thursday April 12, was booked solid already.

So in a week, I have a baby. Wish me luck.

Since the Lord and Master is also an Everythingian, I shall get him to post an announcement in the daylog when the deed is done...

---

1. An emergency section is generally done under general anaesthesia. This presents a risk to the mother (as all general anaesthetic does). It can also affect the baby.
2. An elective section is done under spinal anaesthetic, usually an epidural. That means I will be awake for the whole experience, and that the baby will not be affected by the anaesthetic.

"Don't leave me" she whispers softly with her heavy italian accent. I sigh heavily and look away. It has to be this way. I have made up my mind. I can't stay. She understands. I know she does.

Yet I see tears rolling down her cheek. I know I should try to comfort her, tell her that everything is going to be fine. But it would be a lie.

Gently I caress her perfect breasts and hear her familiar moaning. But it is a moan of sadness, not of pleasure.
"I will email you" I whisper. She doesn't respond. She just looks at me with her large brown eyes. I hug her hard.

She is also a traveller, I know she would have done the same. I know she did the same when she left Italy. Maybe that's why she is reacting so strongly now. Maybe she hadn't really realized what her boyfriend in Italy felt when she left. That thought doesn't give me any comfort. She is still sad because of me. Her ever-smiling sunny face is now dark because of me. Because I am letting her down.

But I can't stay in London. My friends from home has already moved on. Life here is just a constant reminder of the good times we shared. The only one I have left is her. And I know she too will be gone. She will soon ache to travel again. I could stay a few weeks longer, but that would only make the inevitable seperation so much harder.

Suddenly she looks at me, tears gone from hear face. She flashes a mischevious grin and I smile back.
"Cruel bastard" she whispers, before she covers me in kisses. I can only smile at her incredibly sexy accent.

it's so good, being home. i've spent the past two weeks wacked out on surreality in california. here, back, everything is chaos and i've got lots to be angry and angsty about, but i know where i am. i remember who i am and what my options are and i have ways of effecting my life. i am not trapped in someone else's home in a big city i understand in only the vaguest sense. i am phone calls and car trips and bus rides from everything i need for the new task of getting my shit together. for real this time.

my computer is heaven. after an imac with aol, it's like the luxury bathrooms from snow crash after junkie bar restrooms with bloody condoms in the corners. connection like forest fire. screen resolution like lying on your back in montana. applications like a tenured mechanic's garage. input device precise as jewelers' pliers. sweetie, i love you. let's never be apart again.

the horrendously scheduled work meeting (read: midnight last night, the second i got back from the airport) is over and succeeded. my employees have their schedules and i have enough hours, finally, that if i can't stave off poverty for the next three months i deserve to be sent to a hell of doped up housewives with absent breadwinners and a poker deck of maxed out credit cards per capita. the super-fabulous internship starts next week. my roommates are brave and wonderful girls and we all survived spring break.

one last thing: barker's philosophy of mathematics is the best academic book i've ever had the joy of reading. it's like fucking poetry. i don't care if you hate math - you must at very least read the introduction sometime in your life. all the elegance and mystery of a topic that is so vast and can be perverted to be so dry and incomprehensible in the wrong hands is conveyed within a scant hundred pages of the sparest prose possible. imagine a five-chapter haiku about math. imagine sandra cisneros writing about geometry and the rigors of formal logic. good god.

The raw rock of the Gloucester Arms was the aural background for my meeting with Terry's Canadian cousins. The girl-cousin was animated and friendly. Her Irish ancestry was evident in her mannerisms. Her brother was a big boned and hardy handsome, a quiet bulldozer of a man. He expounded upon the merits of weightlifting, being a bouncer and the amazing expansiveness of the Alberta landscape.

They don't do hedges is Canada.

Afterwards, I met Terry's landlord. He is a mellowed intellectual monster simmering beneath a mop of effusive grey hair. Each strand carefully awry. We drank Grappa and ate chicken with noodles. He began to engage us on the topic of metaphysics. Occam's razor was wielded. He challenged us to explain the basis of quantum mechanics and the Copernican view of the universe as we shared a spliff.

I noticed him going to the kitchen sink apparently to wash some dishes. My brain would not believe what my eyes were telling it. He was taking a piss in the sink! His own sink admittedly, but somehow the image shocked. I imagined he was mocking our timid conventions on acceptable behaviour. I'm tempted to try this myself when conversing with someone. I could suddenly whip out a thermos flask and proceed to urinate before my shocked interlocuter.

The trial I was serving as a juror on ended today so I'm now allowed to talk about it. This one has to be added to the "stupid criminals" list! Basically this little convenience store was using food stamp debit cards (a US welfare system that allows only for the purchase of food stuffs) to defraud the government. The holder of the card would receive X cash and the government would be billed for 2X. It is totally illegal to give cash for food stamps. The amounts were way larger than would be reasonable for the store's inventory and the amounts were almost always in even dollar amounts instead of ending in odd cents like would be normal if something was actually purchased. This wasn't the evidence we convicted on (there were witnesses and government surveillance cameras) but still; it was probably what started the investigation. I guess we should be glad criminals are so stupid.

We continued to be our number instead of our name, even when ordering lunch.

           1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9   R H E

Boston     0 0 2 0 0 0 0 1 0   3 5 1

Baltimore  0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0   0 0 2

BOSTON RED SOX      AB  R  H  RBI  BB  SO  LOB  AVG.

Stynes      2B       4  0  1    0   0   1    0  .222

Lansing     PR-2B    0  0  0    0   0   0    0  .000

T Nixon     RF       4  0  1    0   0   1    1  .286

Everett     CF       3  0  0    0   1   2    1  .000

M Ramirez   DH       3  0  0    0   1   2    0  .167

O'Leary     LF       4  0  0    0   0   3    3  .000

Varitek      C       3  0  0    0   1   1    0  .143

Hillenbrand 3B       4  1  1    0   0   0    1  .250

Daubach     1B       4  2  2    3   0   0    1  .250

C Grebeck   SS       4  0  0    0   0   3    2  .000

Totals              33  3  5    3   3  13    9

2B: Stynes (1, Ponson); Hillenbrand (1, Roberts)

HR: Daubach 2 (2, 3rd inning off Ponson 1 on, 0 out, 8th inning off Ponson 0 on, 0 out)

RBI: Dauback 3 (3)

Runners left in scoring position, 2 out: O'Leary 2, C Grebeck 1

Team LOB: 6

CS: T Nixon (1, 2nd base by Ponson/B Fordyce)

E: Hillenbrand (1, ground ball)

BALTIMORE ORIOLES   AB  R  H  RBI  BB  SO  LOB  AVG.

B Anderson LF        4  0  0    0   0   1    0  .111

Bordick    SS        4  0  0    0   0   2    0  .143

DeShields  DH        2  0  0    0   2   1    0  .000

Segui      1B        3  0  0    0   0   1    2  .143

Richard    RF        2  0  0    0   1   0    1  .000

M Mora     CF        3  0  0    0   0   1    1  .000

C Ripken   3B        3  0  0    0   0   0    0  .000

B Fordyce   C        3  0  0    0   0   2    1  .000

Hairston   2B        3  0  0    0   0   3    0  .429

Totals              27  0  0    0   3  11    5

Runners left in scoring position, 2 out: B Fordyce 1

Team LOB: 3

CS: Segui (1, 2nd base by Nomo/Varitek)

E: C Ripken (1, ground ball); Bordick (1, ground ball)

DP: 1 (B Fordyce-Bordick)

PITCHING

BOSTON RED SOX     IP  H  R  ER  BB  SO  HR  ERA

Nomo (W, 1-0)       9  0  0   0   3  11   0  0.00

BALTIMORE ORIOLES  IP  H  R  ER  BB  SO  HR  ERA

Ponson (L, 0-1)   7.1  4  3   3   1  10   2  3.68

Bj Ryan            .1  0  0   0   1   1   0  0.00

Trombley           .1  0  0   0   1   1   0  0.00

Roberts             1  1  0   0   0   1   0  0.00

WP: Nomo

IBB: Everett (by Bj Ryan)

Pitches-strikes:

   Ponson 103-70

   Bj Ryan 8-3

   Trombley 8-4

   Roberts 13-9

   Nomo 110-69

Ground balls-fly balls: 

   Ponson 3-8

   Bj Ryan 0-0

   Trombley 0-0

   Roberts 0-2

   Nomo 7-8;

Batters faced: 

   Ponson 28

   Bj Ryan 2

   Trombley 2

   Roberts 4

   Nomo 30

Umpires: 

   HP Eric Cooper

   1B Brian Gorman

   2B Doug Eddings 

   3B Jerry Crawford

Time: 2:29

Attendance: 35,607

Weather: 59 degrees, cloudy

Wind: 10 mph, right to left

Not a bad day.  Had "activities" all morning, then slept all day.

Woke up at 4, went to the residence halls with the other "activity masters" to celebrate the end of the "activities" by eating at Fat Don's.

Good steak rules.

Came home, called my parents.

Went to fencing practice to try to retrieve my sunglasses, but Rebecca didn't show up.

Came back, went to initiation. I swear, if I wasn't there to tell everyone the right way to do rituals they'd never get their acts together.

Played a shitload of Literati.  I'll be damned, I'm getting addicted to Scrabble again...

I was told once that i was beautiful

and I looked away.

I laughed and tried to change the subject. Taking my face in his hands, he told me that when i was gone, he could feel and see things I had opened his eyes to. Things through my eyes, he said--in creeping moss, in the way the hair curls at the back of a sleeping baby's neck, in the many things that other people walk by or look past in the search for conventional beauty, in things not found in guilded frames or cheapened by mass production. It takes someone of beauty, he said, to bring beauty and to make someone see it where they never have. it was the first compliment i ever believed.

---

At first I was peeved that the ringing telephone had knocked me offline.
"Hello?"
"Hey, it's me." Javi! i've missed you how are you where've you been
"Wow. What's up?"
"Can you meet me at the club?"
"Javi--I worked a double, man. I'm tired. How long will you be in town?"
"Angel--please."

sigh...

"I'll be there in thirty minutes."
"Cool. I'll be there. Thanks, Angel."

Twenty five minutes later, I had parked my car and I could hear The Smiths from across the street as a couple opened the door to leave.

Javi is sitting by the bar at a table. He is extremely tall and, some would say, too thin. His eyes have dark circles and his pallor is intensified by the blacklights. To see him, though, is good and the thought of what a jerk I am for making him ask twice for me to meet him flits through my mind. He smiles and is beautiful. The most touching compliment I ever received came from him and now, I know exactly what he meant.
He leans close to speak over the music...
"Do you remember the fortune?"

Years before, after dinner, Javi and I sat sipping hot tea and comparing fortune cookie wisdom. I don't remember mine but his said 'sometimes goodbye is sweeter than hello'. It didn't make much sense at the time. I don't see how it makes sense now.

"It's gone, Angel."
For just a second I'm confused. Then--the music seems to fade away, the people dancing to the music seem to be moving in slow motion and his smile upon seeing that I understand is the most beautiful thing I've seen in a long time...
it--the nightmare that crept, like a monster from the closet
it--cancer
it--chemo
it--hoping against but planning for death
It's gone and that short statement makes perfect sense.
The fortune cookie makes sense.
"I'm sorry I missed your birthday, but I want you to have this. I know how you get. The next time you get in one of those funks, take this out. Things change."

In the parking lot, I kissed his cheeks, held him close and through tears of joy and ennui, said goodbye.
Someone told me once "fortune cookies are wise."
Indeed.