April 28, 2006

ok, um. Wow. This is embarrassing. And I'm gonna fucking kill him.

I was up at 4am when I heard the iron gate at my apartment building's front door creak open and slam shut. I had just finished cleaning the living room (Well? When do YOU clean?) and was watching some South Park. The noise was confusing and not entirely welcome.

Fifteen minutes later (I live on the third floor, so the delay was also confusing) after much bumping and sliding, I hear a key scraping against the lock, trying desperately to find its way in. It succeeds, eventually, but it becomes apparent that they've either got the wrong key or got the wrong door.

Oh. Then I got it.

I pop up and spring the locks and one of my roommates stumbles in, drunk as a skunk. I hadn't been on the other side of that particular table in a number of years, lemme tell ya. He sits on the coffee table, bleary and talking in that familiar way only the drunk can, about bars and bartenders and stupid things done. I get him to bed, eventually, and, crisis averted, grab my laptop and head to the bathroom to, um, think.

As I'm in there, there's some more bumping and whatnot, and my roommate, I guess trying to be helpful, kills the bathroom light (the switch for which is outside the door,) and before I can say anything I hear his bedroom door slam.

So I'm sitting on the can in the dark, illuminated only by my laptop screen. Ok. No problem, I was done thinking anyway. I stand up and open the bathroom door.

That is, I try to open the bathroom door. My roommate's helpfulness apparently extended to him locking me in from the outside. Why our bathroom locks from the outside in the first place, I have no idea; it was probably implemented by the same genius who puts light switches outside of rooms.

So I'm locked in the bathroom in a t-shirt and a pair of boxers with nothing on me but a laptop with a drunk passed out ten feet away that I don't really want to wake up even if I could

Thank god for Wifi.

Um. So. If anybody from the nynvb is awake and feels like swinging by Bed Stuy before work tomorrow, I'd love to hear from you. Might need a little help here.

I'm gonna go pass out in the tub.

I popped the lock with a disassembled razor blade, so no worries.
But I'm still gonna fucking kill him.

Today marks three months with the girl. That makes this officially the longest relationship I've ever been in. At least the longest I've ever taken seriously.

School's in finals come Wednesday. Then, me and her are taking a week and going down to Mexico. We're gonna get a little place down there, buy some cheap rum, and hang out on the beach for a while.

Then I fly off to LA for the rest of the summer. She's working at some day camp in Long Island. We might see eachother for a weekend here or there. I'm back on the east coast in August, and we'll probably spend a weekend or two together. Then, another golden semester before shit gets tough. I've applied to go abroad second semester next year, to London. Probably spend the summer after that in LA again, god willing. Then I get back, we have one more semester together, and then she'll most likely go abroad, second half of my senior year.

I know I'm thinking about this pretty long term, but I have my reasons. She turned to me the other day, and said, in a cutesy way, "At this point, either you break up with me or we get married." On the one hand, hey, I got security with this one. Whatever i've been doing has worked, and she's totally into me, 100%. I could do this. Maybe.

On the other hand, though, I'm a sophomore in college, she's a freshman. I'm far from ready to settle down, and for her to say something like that, well, it shakes me up. Over the next two and a half years, we won't actually be together for periods of time adding up to over a full year. It's just not realistic. I'm not ready for this.

I'm going to break her heart, and its killing me. Because I want to live in the moment and enjoy every second I have with her, but I know, in my heart, despite my best efforts, I can't really rationalize staying with her much beyond next semester. She's thinking about what to name the children, and I'm thinking about how I can best cut and run.

And the worst of it is, spending the rest of my life with her really wouldn't be that bad. I could do that. We jive. But its that old chestnut, the itchy feet, the search for the Bigger Better Deal. I'm not disciplined enough for this. I'm not ready.

So do I play the pessimist and end this, before she grows even more attached? I can hurt her a good deal now, or a greater deal later. Either way, I'm really going to do a number on this girl. Or I could live for the moment, forget these doubts, and see how shit goes.

Man, this shit is tough. I love her. But I don't know if that's enough.