It has been very tough for me being separate from my bride Trixie Goats because of social distancing. To make up for this, I have tried very hard to have sexual intercourse with a televangelist, but those attempts have fallen flat. I've also tried contacting my wife's two brothers, Turd Horn and Lucky Horn, but they have not returned my calls. I sent them off to gather livestock trucks with which we can subjugate the population and bring them to heel (especially the failed working classes and the poor) in our forced work camps, but this has also been interfered with by this virus business.
I am not pleased. My efforts to open these labor camps throughout the country are being so slowed down that I don't know if I will ever be able to break the majority of the American population and turn them into a machine-like labor force. Very sad.
Now, to raise money for straight white men's causes, I am going to be selling a new snack called Nubby Clusters. Each of these delightful cookies will contain part of a human body, whether it is a piece of finger, a toe, or pieces of their guts and so forth, coated in a generous amount of sawdust and then coated with thick, creamy chocolate. What a delight. You can order them for $70 a piece by sending an uncancellable check to Berhardt Goats, General Delivery, Utica, New York. I get there about twice a week now to pick up my monies and spend them however I choose. Most offers you see here will not be fulfilled, but I am happy to take your money. Keep sending it!
Wingnut Weaver, one of my most mentally stable friends, had this to say about business: "In practice there is learning. In sales there is profit. Profit is what matters." Great guy. I'd love for you to have dinner with him and become a chocolate covered snack. I'll pencil you in for the Thursday after the virus ends. If you don't show up, he'll come for you in your home and your family will be forfeit. He's stable like that. Don't fuck with Wingnut Weaver. Do what he tells you or pay the price. That is what I say. Wait for the call. I would absolutely love to set you up on a play date with Wingnut Weaver and my other friend, Ned Hampton, who has done serious prison time and has 53 jars filled with the disembodied testicles of men who have wronged him. You could learn a lot about morality from them. They are warriors who have made a pact with higher beings. I'll give them your information. A weekend at a wilderness cabin with them might be just what you need to straighten you out.
The Obama-era FBI is here again to question me about some local family annihilations. I have to go for now. God bless.