One of the things I cannot stand as a man are BOGOs. I can't see the rationale. Perhaps it eludes me at this time.
Hi, my name is Friend Behr and I am studying to be something more than what I am which is a boy experimented on and turned into an X-Man type super warrior bred for a single purpose: genocide.
I'm turning that around now with yourr help. Please send uncancellable checks for $70,000 ($140,000 for couples and families) to my account in the Cayman Islands. Ask to talk to Raoul. Thanks in advance for this contribution to my reform. Larger amounts, say in the seven figure range, I am willing to pick up in person. You will however then be called upon to release your favorite child or man lover to me to take on as a protege in fighting against the evils spread by the now infamous terrorist climate change denier supervan and its occupants. Awful stuff. Must be stopped. Explosives are available from street level dealers. Ask around.
I am on the trail of the hairless ass weasel and received some intelligence from one of my upstate New York CIs. He said, and I quote, "The hairless ass weasel is no longer alone. It mated freely with a regular house variety garden weasel and made offspring." This is notable. If they are able to take on the characteristics of the hairless ass weasel and they are legion then we are all doomed. These "creatures" created by a next level Bond type villain operating during World War I (which my CI says "technically makes him a Wonder Woman type villain" but I don't understand that reference. It might be "Internet kiddie speak" for something porn related. Check local listings).
Have to go. There are federal agents nearby who could hear "clicking of the keys" on my trusty laptop which I take everywhere I go and they may blame me for the unholy violence at the psychiatric hospital.
It was not me. It was something that lived in my ass for 75 years and evolved in there. The cops might not see a difference and I already have 5,621 outstanding warrants in the US alone.
Got to go.