Today's story is brought to you by the letter N, because N is for the Narcisstic people I have met in my life. It starts about a month ago, when I was doing the online potential dating thing and swiped right on someone who came across as cute and casual. We started chatting, and I have never added anyone on Snapchat before, but I allowed myself to be persuaded into doing it for him because I wanted to make him happy. Initially he paid a lot of attention to me, and even made a joke about withdrawing it. I joked back, thinking it amusing at the time. We went along and eventually agreed to meet after I got off of work one Friday. My boss let me leave early that day, everything was falling into place. I had cleaned and organized things at my place, and that's where I sat the rest of the night.
I didn't hear from him until Sunday evening. I forgave him. Family was important to him. I had removed him from Snapchat so he sent me a text. Things went on, and I noticed a pattern of getting close, talking without really saying anything, I made all sorts of excuses for him, and bought into the ones that he fed me. Every person in my life that I talked to about him expressed concern. Looking back I can see that they really were being my friends even as I kept trying to tell myself that there were reasons that he was the way that he was. He wasn't feeling well one day, the next he had an after work function. There were times when he said he was going to drive up and see me, but they were spur of the moment ideas, not planned date type outings. I told him that his drinking made me uncomfortable, during our getting back together conversation he said that he felt like I was going to judge him every time he cracked open a beer, and I said that I might.
It was me who suggested a ceasefire. He hadn't apologized, and I think I knew that on some level he wasn't going to either. He went away for the weekend, and since he had told me that in advance, I didn't expect to hear from him much. But I did. That was confusing, and probably how he works. Yesterday at work I made the decision to cut him loose. I once again removed him from Snapchat, and blocked his number on my phone. But then I started second guessing myself. I hadn't heard from him in a few days, but that wasn't anything he had done that was actually wrong. I added him back, unblocked his number, and saw that he had sent me a Snapchat several hours ago. It was a picture designed to make me feel sorry for him, and that's exactly what happened. We stayed up late, and by the end of the conversation I was thorougly confused once again.
I did not feel like going to church this morning. I do not feel like going over to see my mom or any other family members. I really don't want to do anything other than sleep. Work has not been going well. My interview was a lot of fun, but my base salary would be cut if I took that job. I still want a condo, and there will be a delay in acquiring that if I take another job. They don't really need another sales person, for once I am interviewing when I already have a job, and I am better at it and recognize more of my potential than I did initially, but I have fallen into the trap that I tried so hard for so many years to avoid. TV is addictive, and I just want to sit and watch it rather than doing anything else when it is going. It's time for an action plan, and I don't really know what to do or where to go, but I have several ideas.
I need to take a vacation. It does not matter that I am concerned about the money. I will never have enough money. It doesn't matter that I don't feel as if I don't have enough time, or don't know where to go, or what I will eat. These are all just excuses. Even if all I do is get into my car and start driving, that will be enough. I am still reading; Getting Things Done, and it's still good despite my slow attempts to adopt these principles, and inconsistent application of the precepts inside. It's more helpful than not, and I can see progress in the form of better paper collection, processing, storage, and retrieval. I have always been able to see the future, as it is possible, not necessarily as it will be tomorrow, the next day, one month from now, or further on down the line.
Listening to; The Five Love Languages of Children has been a rewarding if painful and difficult experience. I feel as if some deep and primal things are happening, and it isn't easy to take in everything, and try to apply it to the past forty-four years of my life on this planet. Last week I wrote out small cards for each of my children. My youngest left hers here, and I found the one from my oldest laying on the ground, but there were tears in her eyes after she read it. I have never felt loved, and now I know why. More importantly, I have learned what I can do about which admittedly is the much harder part. I have blamed myself and others, I want to keep writing to my children, those cards were a small yet critical first step, and I am proud of myself for taking it when I could have kept avoiding my responsibility to them as a parent.
I'm grieving over lost childhood moments, of the time I spent typing when I could have been bonding with and nurturing them. I think that their dad has a lot of narcissistic tendencies, I mainly identify these people by how they attempt, and often succeed, in making me feel bad when they were the ones who did something wrong, or didn't do something that was right. I need people to spend time with me. I need words of encouragement and affirmation. I need hugs, I need a pat on the back literally and figuatively, and I need people to do things for me. It took me a while, but I believe that acts of service is the primary way I understand love, and I don't have many of those people in my life right now. So, knowing that I need people to do things for me, and knowing that I can't count on many friends or family members, I'm going to do the next best thing. Hire or pay people to make up for this lack in my life.
It's partially on me to communicate this to others, and I need to be braver about telling them even as I fear the rejection that this may bring, but this is imperative for healing. If I do what I have always done, I'm going to get the things I have always gotten. In a strange way, a lack of self esteem holds me back. I tell myself that I'm not worthy of having a cleaning service come over once or twice a month, or that if I ask my mom to do something, anything, for me, she either won't, or it won't be done up to my standards. I have different standards than she does, and that's been hard for us in the past. I need my children to step up, but they need love too, love as it can be expressed in all five of the love languages. Gifts, acts of service, physical touch, words of encouragement, and quality time.
When I took the quiz; acts of service was my highest score, I think I received a 12 there, and gifts was my lowest with a score of 0. I think what can be confusing to some is that there can be overlap so something like a massage can fall under physical touch, acts of service, quality time, and a gift, as well as words of encouragement if the person giving it couples that with everything else. Perhaps that is why they are so powerful and meaningful to me, transforming in a way that few other things in my life are. I relish them, I cherish them, I spend a lot on them, I encourage others to get them, but they are temporary, and often I use them as a substitute. A way to fill some of these gaping holes in my heart and life. I do things for other people, and I think that sometimes that doesn't come across as love.
I could write much more, but I am beyond exhausted, and don't really feel better for having written this even though I'm glad that I did. More and better sleep will help.
God bless,
Jess
P.S. Happy Easter...
j