One of the things about the story arc at Behr, Inc., which employs me as a sexy executive assistant, is that my present character development shows me having a clear sense of conflict within. Have you ever felt a sense of conflict within? Do you have any idea what the word "conflict" means? Or do you just watch Star Trek in your jammies all day like a goddamned weirdo? Be honest, nerds.
Some people think I am dumb because I am blonde and have huge tits. I am actually very smart. I have watched a wide and varied array of network television shows and I have streamed some stuff as well. So, you could say that I am more than qualified to discuss theoretical physics, whatever the hell that is. Understand, little buckaroo?
I want you to pick ONE network television show and watch it with such intensity that your eyeballs dry out and then hurt like absolute hell for the next three days. This will immerse you into the program. It is very enjoyable. You will absolutely fixate on one particular character. Then, you will make it your goddamned life mission to become that character, absolutely and completely, with absolutely ZERO chance at ever becoming the nerd you once were. Go ahead. I'll wait here.
This is part of the conflict. I have failed to actually help people throughout my life. I have been self-centered, arrogant, and aloof. No more of that. I am trying to help people now. This is why I gave you the instruction above. Do it. Your life will change. It will hurt like hell, but don't you owe it to yourself to completely give up your identity and become a network television character for the remainder of your miserable life? Don't you owe yourself that much? C'mon, man.
I will return eventually to offer you more helpful orders that will help you live a better, more productive, and happier life.
Na Mess Tent!