April 12, 2002

since this is the first daylog and it's going to be a crappy one, it'll get downvoted into oblivion but not nuked. i'll be disappointed if this does not happen.

i fucked it all up. the master plan. i fucked it up. for two years now, i've been planning to apply to major in creative writing at the university of british columbia, and even though they only let 20 people in each year, somehow me and my unedited angst were going to get in. so i've been working on my silly manuscript for a year now, only to discover that the deadline was last week, and not at the end of this month like i had thought for the past year. and they've already picked their twenty contestants, and so i will not be majoring in creative writing this year, or any other year. FUCK. this is all my own doing.

that was the plan. now i don't have anything, i have no interest in school and no motivation to do anything else except maintain my student status to get free extended medical coverage and a discount bus pass - and to procrastinate on paying back my already $8000 loan. but now i've got no plan, no motivation, and no urge to do anything at all but eat ice cream and whine. a lot.

I love to drink.

I love it in that terrible, under 21, first year at college way. But, it doesn't lessen my love for it. I never thought drinking would be a problem for me. I just figured it would never happen. Really, up until recently, it hasn't been a problem. I would get drunk with my friends, drink some water, stumble home and wake up the next day hungover, but fine. I've probably always had more than I really needed to drink. I think its because some how in my head, I am a 300 pound football player whose just had a few steaks, instead of an underweight girl who usually eats about 5 hours before she starts drinking. But something has changed, worsened. I'm scared to drink these days. I'm scared because no matter what I say to myself, I know I'll drink too much if I can find a way. I can't remember the last time I drank and didn't black out. I've thrown up all over my bed two times in the past month. People are talking about me, asking me if I'm ok. I'm scared. Midterms are coming up, I do not want to have to worry about this. I do not want to have to stop drinking either.

And at the same time, I am watching my boyfriend do the same thing. Well, not really watch, because he is on the opposite side of the country. I'm more afraid for him because I can see myself and what I am doing, but since I'm far away, I can't see what is happening with him.

I'm afraid for both of us. And I don't know what either of us should do. And I want to call him, but its 8am there, and I don't think he'd appreciate being waken up so early, and really, what would I say?

Dear Asamoth,

I hope you have found what you are looking for.

It's 1:55am right now; not Thursday anymore, but not quite Friday.

The last couple of days have been strange.

9:50 now on Thursday night.

Well, I don't really know how to explain what I'm doing, or what I'm feeling. It really is hard and painful to put it into words. But maybe that will make things easier? I sure hope so. Here goes...

I read the node on lonliness a few days ago. At that time I was thinking "Yes, I remember those days, but now I think I found someone to take care of that." How wrong I was... again. My friend told me about a week ago that he thought we were just friends. I didn't believe him, I really didn't want to, I thought that it was more. Hmm, I really shouldn't doubt him anymore. Well, my friend asked her what she thought of me today, and lets just say she never saw me in that way. Another notch in my belt. But really, I do this way too often. I get caught up in the moment and lose my head. Why? Maybe cause I am lonely. Definitely because I am lonely. Not the superficial lonliness, but rather, the deep dispairing lonliness. I really can't stand it anymore. I sat down and listed all the people who would care if I would die. It was a thin list to say the least. Not even 20 people, including family, would really care. But thats just it, in the end, no one really cares. Who other than your family would really care that you were not here? What kind of a fucken difference would your life make? I know for sure, that mine doesn't matter. Does that lead me to suicide? Well, no, not really. I think it is both courageous and cowardly to commit suicide. I am not courageous enough to end it all, and I am more courageous to live through it. At least, thats what I think. I don't think I'll ever look to suicide. Is that good? Bad?

Ohh I am so tired, of everything. How can these types of things happen so frequently. What the fuck can I do? I have thought up of a good story to try to make myself feel better. Maybe I'll node it sometime later, but right now, even that isn't helping me.

"There you are, with that look on your face, as if you're never hurt, as if you're never down." - Faye Wong

I wish I could be like that, I wish I had the strength and courage to take all my pain like a real man. I wish I wasn't so weak and timid. I wish a lot of things. You know, I'm athiest by nature, I have never and probably will never believe in a God. Tonight though, I think I will pray. I have prayed a few times before, each time in a situation of desperation. Each time, making me feel a little bit better. Why? I think it makes me believe that the situation is out of my hands and into the hands of a greater being. I guess I just didn't want the responsibility, however wrong that is. Thats what life is isn't it? To carry responsibilities and to see how far you can carry them. Hopefully I will feel better tomorrow. But at the moment, I want to sleep so today will end, but at the same time, I don't want tomorrow to begin.

So what does this lead me to? Well, sitting in the library trying to hide the tears for one. What would make me happy right now? I really don't know, and that is what really is scary.

"Times like these really do test one's soul."

This was written last Tuesday, but I thought I'd post it here, as it *is* the 12th server time at the time of the posting

I commited a faux pas today on Ham Radio. I made a transmission to a repeater I assumed was clear, but ended up doubling with people who hadn't finished their conversation. It's probably not a big deal, something that everyone does, but I was nonetheless a bit red-faced...
Kids, remember to wait about 30 seconds after you think people are finished communicating before you jump in with your own schpiel.

OK, on the non-Ham side of things, it's been a boring day, probably the reason I was kiling so much time on the radio at home. Went in to town, checked out an Edward Gorey book; lots of fun. I should probably stop pouring so much time into radio endeavours. It's a fun hobby, but it eats up almost as much time as surfing the web if I'm not careful. Chats can just drag on, IRC style, until the other party (in this case, mostly just the other party) gets tired and desides to cut off the chat.

Made me wonder if there's an E2 registry of Hams. Probably not a popular enough thang for people here to get anything to a critical mass over, but still something I'm interested in looking into.

There are currently ~250,000,000 people in the US (last I heard), and about 100,000 hams in the US. That makes for a reasonably small perentage. Any hams on E2? /msg me!

Oh yeah, I'm KD7PUB. Look me up on www.arrl.org.

I have never been less sure of myself, than at this moment.

I have never been more blind to the correctness of my actions, or the consequences thereof.
And I have never lost so much, so quickly.

...

If I am wrong, is there anything that can be done?

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How about this exploding mess of drama! :)

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I want to hold you again.

I want to dwindle in self-pity with you. I want to talk shit and not care. I want to smile at the sound of your voice. I want to get the chance to thank you.

I want to just be there with you again. I want to say goodbye to all this shit. I want to lay down deep in the woods and stare up at the beautiful stars with you and smile because I know that as long as you are here with me it will be ok. There is a comfort in silence that is not describable in words. There is something lurking there. Hiding underneath the surface of reality.

This silence is beautiful. This silence is stimulating. This silence is peaceful.

I crave it, for there is nothing like the feeling that you are one with another human being and there is nothing like the absence of that feeling when it has gone.

I find it difficult to go on without you sometimes. As ridiculous as that sounds, seeing that one should never base there personal happiness on the existence of another in their life. However, this isn't always as easy as it sounds.

I want to hold you again, just for a moment. That is all I ask. I am a person. I am a pathetic product of societies bullshit. I have supposed "needs". I have implanted desires.

I know this, but it does not make a single difference. It does not make the longing go away.It doesn't change the fact that when I am with you I feel more complete. Or rather, when I was with you I felt more complete.

I was bound to lose you. Luck has never been in the stars for me. But, if I could, I would have frozen that moment forever.

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Life is crazy.

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Funny thing happened last Saturday. I was working a double shift, trying not to lose it completey....

And then I found you again....

Now, all we have is time.