Welcome to Antville, USA, the only American town to be occupied solely by enormous ants! Here are some of the colourful characters you will encounter during your valued stay in our beautiful village:
Big Steve Kowpowski: Big Steve is the town's favorite son, Antville HS's very own starting quarterback. This is football country, so nothing gets the Antville thoraces throbbin' more than a little "tossin' the pigskin"! Steve-o-rino emerged as our town pride last year in the championship game against East State. In the final seconds, Steve faked a pass to Bill Dolichoderinae and ran on his own toward the endzone, pausing only to decapitate three of East State's weak human players with his giant pincers. TOUCHDOWN! The athletic advantages of Bothriomyrmex decapitans lineage astound.
Slick Rick Hollywood: SoCal cool, insect-style. Slick Rick is the talk of all the ladies in Antville, and has been for some time, despite our extremely short lifespans. With his catchphase "Check it, yo." and his souped-up ride, every right-minded antess is rendered weak-kneed. While Rick is too much a gentleman to ever turn down a date, mysteriously, no lucky female has yet been able to get inside his tight, firm exoskeleton. His hobbies include sewing, interior design, and hanging out at the little-known male-only Digger club near the edge of town. I wonder what goes on in that club - you know it's "happening" if Rick's there!
Old Man Hill: Andy Hill is our fair town's chief librarian, and also the city's oldest ant and official history keeper. While history remains sketchy before a glowing space-rock crashed into the town in 1985, Old Man Hill is the one to go to if you want to learn about the Human Invasion of 1987 or the 1995 Ant Rights Act. There's a lot of history here, what with the all the interspecies combat of yesteryear and such. We consider this city sacred ground, and I doubt anyone could keep our community treasures any safer than our noble librarian.
Mayor Lester Hymenoptera: A busy-body about Antville, Mayor Hymenoptera is also renowned for his fondness for the fairer sex. Watch out, ladies! Lock up the pupae when this old bean comes to your doorstep!
Queen Latifah Hymenoptera: I guess when it gets right down to it, we're pretty much all big ants! So we need a queen of course ... this fat bitch barely qualifies. Oops, I mean ... Enjoy the company of our fine queen! She would be most appreciative if you were to bring her Tostitos, Honey Nut Cheerios, Chocolate Yoohoo and other foodstuffs. Her lust for Jerry Springer is insatiable, but lately I've been catching her watching more and more Maury.
Needless to say, this area is populated by hundreds of thousands of enormous, mutated ants, and there's no way I could introduce you to every last bloodthirsty one. So I hope this little rundown of our Antville celebrities will be a springboard for you to learn about and meet more exciting ants during your stay.
Feel free to write me if you have any more questions during your visit!
Sincerely,
Larry Pharaonis
Antville, USA Board of Tourism