If your workplace catches on fire
Ensure you are not caught feeding the flames
with all the papers from your desk. Throwing bottles of cleaning fluid
s can be achieved discretely
, and aerosols make an impressive delayed explosion
, giving enough time for you to run screaming
from the building, knocking those smaller and weaker
to the floor that get in your way.
In the event of an Earthquake
Run frantically around the room dodging and weaving amongst falling debris. This is especially fun if the earthquake is sufficient to keep the ground/floor moving under your feet - kind of a drunken feeling. Afterwards, fall to the floor and stare into space in a catatonic state, working up saliva in a froth and allowing it to dribble out the corners of your mouth. In this way, the other survivors are likely to assist you in leaving the building, and you don’t have to do the hard work. It is the brave whose lives are at risk, and you are the most likely to survive any further aftershocks etc as the brave protect you.
You receive a bomb threat
What ever happens, ensure you panic. You must scream down the phone at the slightest mention of a bomb. The conversation should go something like this:
Caller: "I represent your local friendly (insert gang/guerrilla/oppressor/dictatorship here) and wish to inform you that a bomb..."
You: "A bomb??!! Arrrrrghhh! We’re all gonna die! Arrrrgh! Help, help, help ... oh shit I’ve just wet myself!" - hang up immediately and collapse in a feigned epileptic fit.
You experience a power cut
By all means, riot. Should you be at home, pop next door, smash the door down and knick their telly - even if they’re sitting in there watching you by candle-light. Nip on down to the mall and start smashing all the large-paned windows you can. When the power comes back on again five minutes later, assume nothing happened and wander home with a look of concern on your face, giving filthy looks to the "hoodlums" and "youths" that must have perpetrated such vandalism.
You get lost in the wilderness
Ensure you have gone tramping/camping with somebody who knows what they are doing and carries all the necessary survival items with them. Once they have passed their usefulness (for carrying the heavy objects, getting a fire started, or hunting down your first meal 2 hours after you become lost), ensure you dispose of them by knocking them down a ravine or cracking them across the back of the head with a large branch and leaving them to be eaten by the squirrels and badgers - they’ll just become a whinging pain in the ass anyway. You are now free to continue walking in circles for the next 3 days, or until you pass out in exhaustion. Whatever you do, don’t stay in one spot and wait to be rescued, rescuers hate lazy-assed trampers and will pretend they didn’t see you, preferring to fly on in their helicopter and see if they can get it to do a barrel-roll like in "Black Thunder".