ASVAB stands for "
armed services vocational
aptitude battery" and is a
test administered, not unlike a massive, spiky
enema, to young and impressionable
high school juniors. in most
schools this test is
optional, but in some schools where the average
job outlook is exceptionally
bleak, it is given to
everyone. the test itself consists of about 10 sections, including some ridiculously easy
math and
verbal sections. during these sections it is unlikely that any real
measurement of intelligence is being conducted. more than likely,
big brother is just checking to see how well you can fill in
dots (excelling at
redundant and pointless
tasks such as this indicates a promising recruitee for
military action). other sections include
coding, mechanical comprehension,
auto & shop
information, etc., basically all the stuff your
ivy league colleges are looking for when you apply. speaking of
colleges, it is a good
idea to mention that the
results of the ASVAB are only seen by the
government, so it will in no way affect your real
future. keeping this in
mind, the
smart thing to do is to purposefully fail the test so you might never get recruited by the
army, even if there is a serious shortage of
men during
wartime. this is due to the
fact that the government would rather not waste a
nice, newly-pressed
uniform on some
idiot who can't tell what the word "tree" means and who will more than likely inflict upon himself
mortal wounds with a
spatula before ever seeing
combat. one might think the government woud anticipate this
line of thinking and instantly recognize that anyone smart enough to avoid combat ought to be awarded the
title of
general. however, we must
recall that we are speaking of the
US government here, and not
wheel of fortune contestants. by now i assume that you have ascertained that i purposely
bombed the test. i beg to disagree. i did actually try to get a decent score on the test, but, alas, my scores were somehow messed up and the army labelled me "stupid." for instance, on the section for coding, i scored a
whopping "0" which landed me in the
first percentile. this means that if i were
walking down the
street with a group of 99 other individuals, i would
spontaneously combust due to my amazing idiocy.
when the results of the ASVAB are returned, the
student also receives a
booklet about planning his
career. this booklet contains many interesting
cartoons which can be cut up and juxtopositioned into highly amusing and slightly
deranged situations. after going through some pointless
exercises intended to help the student "find himself" (these include asking whether or not he likes to
sculp with
clay and if he wants to manage a
shoe store), he is given a
magic (and i do mean magic!)
marker and yet another booklet. in this booklet, the student is instructed to fill in all the information thus far aquired into certain
blocks. then (here comes the magic part!) the student uses the marker to
highlight these blocks, each of which corresponds to a career below, and if the career
matches the student's
interests and
abilities, a star appears! unfortunately, since i scored the level of autonomicaly response gifted, all of my results were complete
bunk. according to the
sheet, i am too dumb to be a
janitor,
boilermaker, and a
child-care specialist. however, all of the military occupations produced a shiny
star! on a hunch i marked all intelligence levels for the military occupations, and --what do you know?!?!?!
the majority of them produced a star!
in conclusion, the ASVAB is an amazingly produced
piece of
propaganda by the US government. i thoroughly recommend all
paranoid individuals take it so they might be further convinced of big brother's evil intentions and be inspired to make some
humorous websites about it.