Most likely intended as a biography for AIM users, it has become much more.. Probably far greater (or less, depending on your perspective than the shifty-eyed AOL programmers ever intended it to be.

Teenage AIM users now use profiles to express love for their significant others, quote their favorite hit from TRL, quote conversations which they find immensely humorous, make shout-outs to their friends, advertise their web sites and generally cause a ruckus in their suburban American high school... Profiles lead to profile wars, which are really just silly little flame wars of the 21st century.

It's probably best to KISS when writing a profile, if you bother with one at all.

AIM Profiles for Dummies

So all the popular kids at your high school have crazy profiles. Now, you, too can be in the "in" clique with these helpful hints!


You absolutely want to have as much obnoxious formatting as you can fit in the one kilobyte to you allotted. Unnecessarily changing font sizes, styles, or colors are good ideas. If you're strapped for space, you can always AlTeRnAtE cAsEs, or just do the entire thing in the largest font available. Remember, proper capitalization and spelling, as well as text that can be easily read, is for nerds!

Conversation Logs

You will want to insert conversation logs. However, make sure they were only funny at the time! Leave out critical exposition, or pick quotes just aren't funny out of context. Follow the example below.

PRINCESS438957329857349857: so i says to him, i says "orange you glad i didn't say banana?"
METHOD MAN 38583: lol

Esoteric Humor

You know those injokes that only you and one or two people in the world would understand? These "shout-outs" are absolutely essential for a good AIM profile. Remember, the more esoteric, the better! It's just pedestrian if more than three people would get it. Insert several. Example below.

BILLY - knife it! lol
JANE - where'd he go? lol

Note also: You should end every one of these references with "lol."

Song Lyrics


Your song lyrics should come from a song currently popular. Anything melancholy is a solid choice; remember, you are a unique snowflake and no one can understand your plight, other than the trendiest bands! Look for any lyrics like the following.

I am so sad
I want to die
Why me?
I want to die so much

Similarly acceptable are any songs about narcotics, hookers, or the artist's tremendous penis size.

Congratulations! If you've followed these tips, you've composed a profile that will get you into all the incrowds.

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