My stomach churned weakly when I peeked into the cage of the eldest boys. There in the corner not much more than a tail remained. Rage
at the cannibalistic nature
of my own pets flashed then faded as I began to wonder if perhaps my own caretaking could've prevented the heartache
Scooping the meager remains of my nameless "baby" I rushed out into the cold, for a very hasty burial.
Returning inside I prepared for the weather with my roomie and my boyfriend. Making sure we would not need to venture out into the snowy night. Fate had other plans.
Early in the morning, or you could say later that night, since we had not yet gone to bed. I'd say it was around 5am. I went to check on my other pets ot wanting anymore fatalities of the same nature. Only to find that one of the younger babes had grown very still and was not moving.
In a panic I lifted her from her cage and began to cry for the second time since I had returned home. I held the dying baby as she took her last struggling breaths. Even as we rushed her to the vet's I knew we would not make it in time. Halfway to the vet hospital we turned around and headed home.
Sobbing I stroked her lifeless body with her still soft fur, but her limbs had begun to stiffen and she no longer felt warm.
My roomie helped me prepare a box and we found some tools with which to dig a snowy grave. My boyfriend watched helplessly wanting to help and wanting to comfort me but I would not let him. I deserved the pain. Two of my babies had passed on in one weekend. I will make a horrible mother.
As light began to brighten the sky and the flakes of snow grew bigger the three of us trekked out into the cold morning to bury my little baby. Armed with a dustpan and a spoon we dug as deep as we could and placed the tiny box in the hole.
We said nothing. We said no words to help her cross over we made no sounds at all. Staring at the hole with tears streaming down my face everything became suddenly too hard for me, and I turned away and began walking.
Death never gets easier. Whether I'm mourning a human being or a rat. I can't seem to find a proper way to deal with it. I know that there is pain and there are tears. I am afraid of death, but not for me, I am afraid that I will have to watch everyone that I love die. I can't handle that. I want no more snowy funeral processions. None of any kind.