I write this
node with a warm feeling in my heart. Had I been having warm feelings in my heart this time last year I would have been getting very worried some heart disorder, but now I have no need to
freak out anymore.
I've stopped necking the pills.
I've stopped snorting the coke.
I've stopped smoking the joints.
Someday, maybe, the paranoia will ease off and I'll be able to function as a 100% normal human being again.
Someday.
For now, I'm happy with my few beers at the weekend, maybe a couple during the week, no more. The crazy six year rollercoaster bender had to stop somewhere, and you know what? I'm glad it's over. Sure it's a been fun ride, even enlightening, but at great expense to my brain.
I'm in my mid twenties. I've been at this shit every week for years.....
Actually, I'm lucky I'm fucking well alive......
Wake up, hungover, go to work, do nothing, leave work, have a drink, go home, have a joint, eat some food, go drinking wake up again. Weekend, coke, pills, drink, coke, pills, drink, coke, pills, drink. Roll on Monday and let's start all over again.
Fuck that shit.
It's over. Goodbye.
I don't need your stimulation anymore, it does nothing for me except make me hate myself and worry about the damage I'm doing to my mind and body. It's been going on too long, and I'm tired. I'm jaded. You wore me out, you burned my brain, you raped my serotonin and what do I have in return?
Nothing.
Just me, or what's left of me.
But I'm clean now. I've never felt better. All the wild nights, the wilder mornings, driving golf balls from the tops of skyscraper into the city, the impromptu trips to Spain, the fight with the pimp, the stolen cars.....
All precious memories, but memories they are and will forever be.
The E made me fucking crazy, the coke made me angry, the dope made me paranoid. That's all I can say. I loved my drugs, I truly did, but they were like a wild animal I couldn't tame and they ended up turning on their owner.
They owned me.
Parting words: Experiment with drugs if you feel the need to. Don't do it because of peer pressure or anyone elses influence. If you must, do it for the personal journey. But remember this, somewhere along the way there is a place called STOP.
Don't bypass it or you will bypass yourself.