A new experimental protocol for observing the effects of the circumvolution of a preharvested murine specimen
B. Patel, Y. Imamoto, S. Chen, and L. Brown
First published in the New England Science Quarterly, volume 107, number 3, August 2005, pp. 467-469.
Despite the pioneering work of Heinrich Zhaus1 and others,2 much remains unknown about the effects of murine circumvolution on the human endocrine, circulatory, and central nervous systems. It was initially supposed that observations of circumvolutions would cause an acute system-wide stress reaction, but in a groundbreaking 1989 paper Zhaus proposed that the more likely response would be a generalized euphoria.3 Zhaus then proceeded to spend over a decade repeating his experiment, finally proving in 1999 that with more and more practice, murine circumvolution could be achieved.
However, because Zhaus’s funding was abruptly terminated by the German government later that year,4 he was never able to follow up on his initial success with further experimentation, and his notes having been lost, his protocol remains uncertain. Moreover, it has long been suspected that his results were biased by the unintended introduction of a water source, leaving many questions of great import unresolved.5
Our study attempted to repeat the original experiment in the more rigorously controlled conditions of our laboratory at the University of North Carolina. By limiting the introduction of exogenous water sources, it was possible to isolate the alleged euphoria and study its genesis and effects on human subjects. Our study shows conclusively that murine circumvolution can play a direct causative role in the activation of human Type-1 euphoric response pathway.
Sixteen wild type (WT) rodents, purchased from Jackson Laboratory (Bar Harbor, Maine) were generated on C57BL/6 background and were backcrossed for 12 generations. Genotyping was done by PCR31. Rodents were bred and maintained in pathogen-free conditions on a normal S3 diet. All experimental protocols were in compliance with the IMEC guidelines.
All rodents were sacrificed using the Browler method on day 1 of week 16. Immediately after harvesting, rodents were perfused in situ with PBS for 5 minutes, followed by a 20-minute perfusion with 4% paraformaldehyde (100 cm H20), followed by 24 hours in formic acid bone decalcifier (Immunocal, Decal Corporation), after which the rear extremities were encased in paraffin (to facilitate spinning).
Thirty-two human subjects, aged 10-45, were randomly selected from a pool of 100 volunteers. Subjects were randomly divided into groups of 16 “First Persons” and 16 “Second Persons.” In each trial involving one First Person and one Second Person, First Persons were directed to initiate a parabolic circumvolution of a harvested murine specimen and then exit the room rapidly, while the Second Persons remained to be carefully monitored. After an ellapse of 35 seconds, 650 cc of purified water (Dasani Group, Coca-Cola Corporation, Atlanta, Georgia) were deposited on the craniums of Second Persons by First Persons using a 17 meter water delivery device (GardenKing Hoses, Duboise, Indiana), and results were recorded.
To assess the impact of observation of deceased murine circumvolution on human subjects, various biometrics were closely monitored throughout the course of each trial. Data was then compared with previous studies of unexpected dihydrogen oxide perfusion to isolate the effects of murine elements. Despite the abrupt onset of an acute stress reaction that accompanied the introduction of purified water, earlier observed indicators of Type-1 euphoria remained in statistically significant levels for all subjects (p=0.001).
Our study suggests that Zhaus’s original theory is in fact, correct, and we consider it to be the first successful repetition of his protocol. A surprising and unexpected finding of our study was that murine circumvolution not only produced euphoria
in the human subjects but also in the researchers, often producing a Weissman laughter-response. This may have been what Zhaus had in mind when he first described the Funny-Happy barrier. Future studies are needed to further clarify and quantify this previously unknown euphoric effect. Limitations
on our study included the fact that it was complete and utter stierausscheidung
and none of our subjects could believe it was actually science. Those bitches. They almost messed up the whole thing with their bitching and moaning. Future investigators are advised regarding the utility of cattle prods.
1. H. Zhaus, “Deceased Murine Amusement,” Annalen von alles Wissenschaft 87:4 (1999), 839.
2. Y. Imamoto and Z. Terao, “Preventative Spinning: Towards a New Synthethic Approach,” The Journal of Chelonian Studies 5:2 (2001), 246-310.
3. H. Zhaus and P. Zimmerman, “Theoretical Approaches to Murine Circumvolution: Transcending the Funny-Happy Barrier,” Das Neue Zeitschrift der Stierausscheidungwissenschaft (June 15, 1989), 14-21.
4. S. Anark, The Unfortunate Case of Heinrich Zhaus, Ferrar Strauss and Giroux, 2002.
5. B. Mofaha and C. T. Foetus, “The Zhaus Experiment in Scientific Perspective: Some Unanswered Questions,” Quantum Biomechanics Annual 34 (2002), 64-89.
Reproduced with the express written consent of the New England Science Quarterly and the University of North Carolina Board of Governors.