It is a discomforting site these days to see on television refugee families fleeing Syria for Europe followed by three, four or five children, all in rags begging for handouts in the streets and countrysides. The adults, instead of being able to work for their honest livelihood, are forced to employ all their time in care of their helpless children: who, as they grow older, will no doubt turn thieves for want of work, or become radicalized and wage Jihad on the innocent citizens of the nations foolish enough to grant them asylum.
I think it is agreed by all parties that this prodigious number of child refugees is a very great additional grievance on the whole of the western world, and so whoever could find a cheap and easy method of making these children useful assets to the public would be revered as a great humanitarian.
I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection.
I have been assured by a very knowing New York City billionaire, that a young healthy child is a delicious, nourishing and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee or a ragout. The child will reach the proper weight in no less than a year, afterwards becoming not a burden to it’s parents but a benefit. At this point the child could be consumed, used for the manufacturing of lady’s gloves and purses, even sold to a wealthy citizen with discerning taste. I believe the advantages of this proposal are obvious and many, as well as of the highest importance.
First of all, this would greatly lessen the number of potential terror threats to our country and other God fearing nations.
Secondly, these refugees will now possess something of value in the extra children they are able to sell, which could be made use of in the payment of rent, the buying of goods and in their initiation into our capitalist economy.
Thirdly, the improvement in the art of making good bacon, so prized among Americans. Swine are much more expensive to raise and in no way comparable in taste or magnificence to a well reared fat, yearling child.
I can think of no objection that could possibly hold any weight against this proposal. Therefore, let no one talk to me of other possibilities. Say nothing of taxing hard working western citizens for their benefit: Of using less so others could have more: Of utterly rejecting the materials that promote corporate wealth and foreign conflict: Of curing the expensiveness of pride, vanity and idleness: Of learning to love our fellow man. Lastly, refrain from ranting on about quitting our animosities and factions in the Middle East, South East Asia or Africa, from where these refugees are fleeing.
I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in promoting this necessary work, having no other motive than the common good of all the worlds citizens.
As it says on Jonathan Swift’s Grave: Savage indignation can lacerate my heart no more.

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