editor's note: The following 'extra scene' for this play was written by erotica writer Edward Stauff in 1991, rather than William Shakespeare.
William Shakespeare's
A Midsummer Night's Dream. Act III, scene 4.
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Act III. Scene IV. -- The Wood. Demetrius, Lysander, Helena, and
Hermia asleep.
HERMIA
[Asleep] Lysander, oh my love, Lysander, oh.
Demetrius, upon thy honor, no.
HELENA
[Wakens] Who calls? Where art thou, pray? I cannot see.
HERMIA
Sweet Helena my friend, why mock'st thou me?
HELENA
Tis Hermia. Does she then seek me yet?
No, here she sleeps, her eyes, though closed, still wet
With bitter tears shed all for her late love
Lysander.
HERMIA
Thought I Helena above
Such cruel pranks.
HELENA
O Hermia, awake!
I prithee, listen to me for thy sake
And mine. Lysander's love hath flown I know,
But not mine own. See how I hold thee so
Within my arms? Awake!
HERMIA
[Wakens] O gentle friend,
I dreamed my dear Lysander's love did end.
HELENA
I fear thou must now hate me all anew
For I must tell thee that thy dream is true.
Yet by our friendship I implore thee now
To hate me not. Does not my weeping show
That I as much as you by this their blade
Of fickle love have been a victim made?
See how my tears do mix with thine.
HERMIA
O now
I do believe thy innocence. But how
Is it that I have lost Lysander's eye
To you, without your help therewith? And why
Does my belov'd Demetrius turn round
His fancy and pursue me like some hound?
HELENA
It seems to me most strange that men should call
Us women fickle -- us indeed! -- when all
Your love and mine for our respective swains
Has never swerved. They have our hearts in chains
And, pulling on them in this tug-o'-war,
Do seek to split them both asunder.
HERMIA
Or
Perhaps they seek to test our love by trial
Of this ordeal.
HELENA
Or might it be that while
The two of us, once friends, now bitter foes
(Or so they do believe) do offer blows
To one another, they, while laughing at such sport
Do wager on the winner, tall or short?
HERMIA
Or could their hearts by jealousy have been
So poison'd as to treat us so? They've seen
The love we bear each other. Is it this?
HELENA
If it indeed be so, then with a kiss
Let us now seal our love anew 'gainst such
Attacks.
HERMIA
O let me feel again the touch
Of your soft lips on mine. It warms my blood
And stirs my passion.
HELENA
And mine too. So good!
Do take your hand and place it thus upon
My breast.
HERMIA
And you the same.
HELENA
I will, anon.
HERMIA &HELENA
Ah, oh, etc.
HERMIA
This tender pair is soft, but softer still
'Neath my caressing hand would be thy skin,
Beneath this fabric you so sweetly fill.
HELENA
Let me uncover that which lies within.
HERMIA
O lovely, sacred hill! This perfect curve
Of tender flesh would as a temple serve
For Venus or for Sappho. Here's one more!
There's one for each.
HELENA
You know how I adore
The feeling of your clever fingers' touch
Upon these hemispheres, but just as much
Do I adore your lips upon my -- oh!
HERMIA
Is this the right location?
HELENA
Even so.
HERMIA
O Helena, please do me likewise. Here,
I'll bare my chest for you to kiss, my dear.
HELENA
Such regal mountains these! They quite eclipse
My modest charms. Now let me touch --
HERMIA
Your lips,
At once! Look here, see how my nipples strain
To feel thy lips and tongue? Oh, taste again.
HELENA
With every lick these rosy buds become
More sweet, more plump, each one just like some pom-
egranate seed. If only I had these
With which my fair Demetrius to please.
HERMIA
O Helena! Thy breasts, while not so great
In size than mine, are still no less a treat
For fingers, lips and tongue. Fie on such talk!
HELENA
[Aside] Though had I hers, I know not how I'd walk.
[To HELENA] Then while upon my bosom you employ
Your mouth, your hand may give me greater joy
By stealing up between my thighs like this
And touch me where my passion's centre is.
HERMIA
What have we here? A hungry mouth indeed
That drooleth so, and see how it doth feed
Upon my fingers, swallowing them whole.
What, no obstruction? 'Pon my very soul,
Thy virgin seal is broken.
HELENA
Is not thine?
HERMIA
None but my dear Lysander shall have mine,
And him not til we legally are wed,
And lie together on our nuptual bed.
A maiden am I yet (though hardly chaste).
But spread apart these thighs and let me taste
The nectar from this fountain that doth flow
So copiously.
HELENA
O God, sweet Hermia, oh!
How well thou knowest how to pleasure me.
Now do you take that secret, tender pea
Of flesh, that organ, in this wise unique,
Whose solitary purpose is to wreak
Upon us women ecstasy complete,
Around that spot your ministrations mete
Until I -- til I -- til -- ah, there, I spend!
I come! Sweet Hermia, my love, my friend!
DEMETRIUS
[Wakes] Did I but dream a dream? Or did I hear
My Helena cry out as if in fear
Or anguish?
HELENA
Oh!
DEMETRIUS
Her voice again, but whence?
On winged feet I'd fly to her defense
Had I but some direction.
HERMIA
Now permit
Me from you likewise to receive. I'll sit
With care upon your upturn'd face,
And with your tongue you'll give me joy apace.
DEMETRIUS
Is't Hermia I hear? And is her will
On Helena's undoing fixed still?
Another cry! I must give chase -- but here
They are, engag'd in battle most severe,
Already each the other's garments has
Halfway torn off, and Hermia, alas,
With her backside has Helena's poor head
Entrapp'd. She does not struggle, is she dead?
Thou wicked Hermia!
HERMIA
Demetrius!
DEMETRIUS
O murderess most foul and hideous,
Desist!
HELENA
Demetrius!
DEMETRIUS
Desist, I say!
HERMIA & HELENA
Demetrius!
DEMETRIUS
She lives? O, happy day!
HELENA
How dare you interrupt our happy sport?
Is it for jealousy thou hast cut short
Our lovemaking?
DEMETRIUS
Lovemaking?
HELENA
Have you lost
Your wits or just your manners? Has the frost
Upon your heart crept up into your brain?
DEMETRIUS
That I have made an error is now plain,
And I do beg forgiveness from you both.
To Helena again I pledge my troth
From whom it should have never been remov'd:
'Tis thee I love.
HELENA
And how can this be prov'd,
That you do with Lysander not attempt
To turn my love for Hermia to contempt
And likewise hers for me?
DEMETRIUS
If truly sought
I Hermia, not thee, and if I thought
To take her thus and ravish her, why should
I pause, with none to stop me in this wood,
She with her chastity all compromis'd?
Yet see, I free her.
HELENA
Am I then despis'd
No longer?
DEMETRIUS
Helena, so do I swear.
HERMIA
I trust him not.
HELENA
Nor yet I, but come here
Demetrius, and kiss me as you once
Were wont to do. What bliss! But for the nonce
I must require of thee further proof.
Make love to me, and if thou canst aloof
From Hermia remain, while she doth stay
Within thy easy reach, then thou canst say
Thou lovest me, and then I will believe.
DEMETRIUS
Your wish is mine. Make ready to receive
Me.
HERMIA
This I cannot witness.
HELENA
Pray, wherefore?
Ere long Lysander, whom you do adore,
Will likewise with you this same act commit.
HERMIA
Ye Gods, the size! However will it fit?
HELENA
It has betimes. See, in it slides with ease.
O dearest dear Demetrius, you please
Me far beyond description.
DEMETRIUS
Thou likewise.
DEMETRIUS & HELENA
Ah, oh, etc.
LYSANDER
[Wakes] I dreamed, or thought I dreamed, or dreamed I thought
That for the love of Helena I fought
Against Demetrius, I having lost
Somewhere my love for Hermia: a most
Distressing dream indeed. But listen, what
Impassion'd exclamations are these that
I hear? One voice I think I recognize:
Demetrius, though I can but surmise
The other, therefore I'll upon them spy;
If Hermia's despoil'd, then he shall die.
HERMIA
Lysander!
LYSANDER
Hermia! Has he dared assault
Thee?
HERMIA
Nay my love, while I cannot exalt
Demetrius, he has by neither word
Nor hand assaulted me.
DEMETRIUS
Retire thy sword,
Our quarrel is no longer, now my heart
To Helena belongs, as once before,
And so, gods willing, will be evermore.
HELENA
Lysander, put away thy steel and sheathe
Thy sword in Hermia.
LYSANDER
Do you bequeathe
Me thy virginity?
HERMIA
As always: when
We are by marriage join'd, and only then.
HELENA
In this our amorous play you may join
And yet not spend your precious virgin coin;
A hundred variations has the sport
Of love, we'll demonstrate a diff'rent sort.
I'll take in hand Demetrius' proud tool,
Still wet from bathing in my secret pool,
And guide it to another pair of lips
And from his fountain take lascivious sips.
HERMIA
Is there to your debauchery no end?
How could I thus I cannot comprehend.
HELENA
And wherefore should Lysander's sex be so
Much less delicious than my own?
HERMIA
I do
Not know, I must confess.
HELENA
Or must I show
You how --
HERMIA
You have.
HELENA
-- upon Lysander now?
HERMIA
Upon Lysander?
HELENA
Yes.
LYSANDER
Yes!
HERMIA & DEMETRIUS
No!
LYSANDER
No?
HELENA
Come
Hither Hermia, I will give you some
Instruction in the eating of a man.
HERMIA
Touch not Lysander.
HELENA
Nay, here is my plan:
Upon Demetrius I'll demonstrate,
And likewise you may recapitulate
Upon thy dear Lysander. Cease thy quest
Within his clothing and instead divest
Him of that interfering cloth. There stands
The object of thy search. Now with thy hands
Its measure take, examine length and girth
And firmness like a merchant checks the worth
Of some fresh sausage; then likewise that pair
Of eggs that hangs beneath, but have a care:
Be gentle, lest they break. Upon the crown
Now place a kiss like this, then likewise down
Its length proceed. From root to tip employ
Thy tongue, and thereby thy first taste enjoy.
LYSANDER
What ecstasy upon me Hermia wreaks!
HERMIA
Do I indeed? But what is this: it leaks.
HELENA
Waste not such precious drops, let them upon
Your tongue dissolve, there's more to come anon.
Let him the circle of your lips invade,
But with your hands create a barricade
Like this, lest he unknowing in his lust
Should choke you with some overzealous thrust.
DEMETRIUS
Hast thou enough instruction given now?
If not, leave off explaining; rather show
Her by example: I would have thee use
Thy mouth some other wise.
HELENA
I'll not refuse.
DEMETRIUS & LYSANDER
Ah, oh, etc.
DEMETRIUS
O Helena, this dedicated toil
Of thine on my behalf doth bring to boil
My passion, yea even my very blood,
And more: lover, prepare thee for the flood!
HERMIA
This tribulation must I also bear?
LYSANDER
I'll not demand it of you, Hermia dear.
Yet do you your decision quickly make,
For of thy wondrous sucking I can take
But little more, before I -- Hermia, oh!
HELENA
Employ thy hands; nay, do not let him go,
Thou need not drink his seed. There, gently hold
His fountain as it spurts.
HERMIA
I'm not so bold
As you, to drink this draught, though it is less
A measure than I feared, but what a mess!
HELENA
'Tis but a few spoons' worth: enough.
HERMIA
Dear friends,
Belov'd Lysander, here with acts of love
We have for our distractions made amends.
Tomorrow we shall from this wood remove
Ourselves, and to Lysander's aunt repair
Where we in proper legal form may take,
Our wedding vows, and finish this affair.
I bid you all good slumber, till we wake.
[Enter Puck, unseen.]
PUCK
All asleep, their passions sated,
Dream that they will soon be mated;
Have no worry, it is fated.
All's made well: I am elated.
[Exit Puck]
William Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream. Act III, scene 4.
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Copyright 1991 by Edward L. Stauff. The author grants permission
to copy and distribute this story for personal, non-profit use, provided
that it is copied without modification and includes this notice. All
other rights are reserved.