This is a story

about hesitation, about friendship, loss, and disappointment. It's a story about religious differences, attraction, social circles, and college life.
How we originally met, I'm not quite certain, but upon that event, Alexis and I became friends. I talked to her on and off, at Bruff, in the company of others. I had seen her around before that, and wondered what type of person she was. She intrigued me. So far from my little upper-middle-class world and upbringing, where everyone wears khakis and culturally confused persons dress in odd combinations of various current fads. Where there's not enough bass in your system unless your car can set off another's security system from 50 feet away. She was different. She, like many of my friends and acquaintances, dressed differently. She often wore black, or lovely victorian-era lacy dresses. Sometimes she wore her pentacle, and others not, and I (though catholic) have and had no problem at all with that. One day we became a little closer.

There is a man by the name of Louis, whose last name I do not know. Louis, early in life, made large sums of money before coming to Tulane to sit, talk, and philosophize with students, occasionally standing up on the bench and reciting poetry loudly to all who listen. Louis and I had never met. I had always avoided him, more out of shyness and lack of free time than disdain, though some was present. One night while out wandering (which helps me center) I happened upon Alexis (henceforth lexie) sitting with Louis and talking to him. I took this opportunity to meet him via her, and we talked a bit. She asked what I had been doing. "Wandering," I replied. Then she asked would I mind if she came along. "Not at all, you're welcome to join me." The two of us said our farewells to Louis and started wandering campus.

We talked. We laughed. She was almost the geek girl I was looking for, though more of a theater person. Smart, witty, pleasant and fun to talk to, we hit it off. Alas, the next day we both had early classes and thus, with a hug, eventually went our separate ways back to our respective dorms.

We saw each other occasionally, at the cafeteria or walking between classes. We said hi. I went wandering a few more times, but those times invited her. Finding our way to a nice little courtyard by the CS and Mech-E buildings, we sat and talked of New Orleans vampires, of religion, of feeling alone. While it is important to some, perhaps even to us, we never got around to small talk like favorite bands. We discussed home, we flirted. Things were going great.

Toward the end of the year, having grown close as friends, conversation came around to relationships. This is where my idiocy decided to kick in. Little barriers went up in my mind, barriers I am now trying to knock down. "How well off is her family? What would my parents think of that?" You idiot. "Yes she was raised Catholic, but she's a witch. What would my Grandmothers think of that?" Come on, dolt. "She's diabetic, what could that do to your relationship long term?" Goddamn why aren't you seeing it, man? It was because of this sort of utter stupidity and overthinking things that I did not take any action. It took a month before I decided to talk to her about those things. Of course, it turned out 90% of them were totally irrelevant. I never did talk to her about her diabetes. I didn't feel someone's medical issues were my business. It didn't matter. I should have done something.

The end of the school year, our freshman year of college was finally (or was it too soon?) coming to a close. We wanted to pursue something, but decided to put it off over the summer since we live so far away, and work on it next year. We were going to be in the same dorm after all, right? How great is that? Last night I got the bad news. Quote lexie, on AIM. "I've got some bad news."
Me: "What's that?"
Her:"I don't know how to say this, so I'll try 'blunt.' "
Me: "Oh?"
Her: "I'm not coming back in the fall. I won't be at Tulane."
Me: "Uh. Damn." (so eloquent, eh?)
/me adds another chalk mark to "Things I should have done but didn't" on the wall.

Why, dammit?

Why do I have to be so damn stupid? So hesitant? Is it lack of confidence? Is it being overly pretentious? I try to stay away from that. I wrote this here and not as a daylog because there is an important message. Carpe Diem. If it involves love, and your heart says go, at least pay it some heed, even if you want to think it over. If you go for it, you can be disappointed, but that disappointment fades. Regret sticks around for a while. Damn.
I'll miss you lexie.

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