You don’t know what day it is, and nor do you care. All that swells around in your mind is that you can’t sleep, that you haven’t slept in what seems like forever.
It didn’t bother you for the first few days, you thought that if it continued that you’d just take a sleeping pill and be done with it, but that didn’t work, you still lay awake at night, but now you felt drowsy, a horrible feeling.
Days turned into weeks, and weeks into fucking months and still no sign of sleep. You felt like you were just passing though life rather than living it. You went to work and listened to the dull buzz of your boss talking to you before going to your desk and typing meaningless numbers into your computer. On the journey home you count the number of white lines that lay on the road between the bus station and your house. You come home hoping that your quest for sleep will finally come to and end but it doesn’t.
You have these stupid, stupid numbers floating in your head and you try to make meaning of them but you can’t, and the more you think about them the more it frustrates you.
You can’t stop thinking, you can’t turn yourself off.
It seems every night goes by the same, you lying on your bed staring at the ceiling counting numbers in your head, or talking to yourself.
But tonight, tonight is going to be different, tonight you can feel your rope snap, you watch as your ability to stay focused flies out of the window.
You enter the bathroom and from the bathroom cabinet you take the bottle of sleeping pills. You know they don’t have any effect in ones, twos or threes, but what about fours fives and six’s. Your desperate you tell yourself, you need to sleep even if it’s indefinitely and this is your only answer.
You crave sleep like a drug.
So one after the other the pills go down, your glass of water is half full but the bottle of pills is empty. You head out of the bathroom and put yourself to bed, you tuck the duvet under you chin as your eyes rest on the digital clock on the table next to you.
Your mind starts to slow down, the numbers are finally gone, and you feel your eyes start to closed and your vision go blurry. You only stay awake long enough to see the clock flicker.
Your quest for sleep is finally over; a sleep from which you know you’ll never wake from.