Today I am contemplating both personality theory (Yay!); and the concept of emotional availability. When it comes to love, I keep my senses. While I dislike being wrong in a general sense; there are times when I am happy to admit that there were errors in my thinking. In the past, I made some mistakes; sometimes I lacked actual knowlede, other times I saw things that weren't really there, and misconstrued things that were. Perhaps some of this was an effort to protect myself; I love easily in one sense, but I am not great about communicating how I feel, mostly because I'm not always sure, or don't know. Another problem is I don't realize that telling someone how I feel is important and the situation would actually be improved if I did this. I can't remember if I wrote about this; if so, I will revisit it because it illustrates my point. But first; I want to touch on an important point that I knew before, but didn't really understand (so maybe I didn't know this exactly, it's hard to say). Let's give them something to talk about.
I think I confused the idea of sensitivity and empathy with emotional availability. People can be sensitive, empathetic, and emotionally unavailable! This was quite the revelation to me; as was its reverse. People can come across as insensitive and lacking in empathy, but be available emotionally!! *stunned silence* A little mystery to figure out. The other day I was reading about Fi and Fe (introverted and extraverted feeling) as functions of personality. Even though they have the word feeling in the description; they are not always discussing emotions. I have a pretty strong value system, and I do not like to compromise it. I value social harmony to a great extent, even if I am personally uncomfortable, or even suffering, I do not want to make waves, or distress others. We were at work one afternoon; the guy I work most closely with was near the door, we both have really loud projecting voices, he was upset, and I was too.
Whatever he said is gone; but I came back hot with a comment/statement about needing and wanting to be appreciated. Because the night belongs to lovers, because the night, belongs to us. His hand was on the door, he turned, and almost shouted the words when he said that he appreciated me. It was an interesting moment; and I'm glad I remembered it because I feel like the logical types also have irrational emotions, and we are a team that helps each other even when it is difficult. One thing that many have a hard time understanding about me is how I can get along with men, love them, and not really want anything romantic or sexual for them. It's assumed that I have some sort of agenda, and that is true, I want them to feel good about who they are, but I am secretly driving towards greater harmony and an attitude of shared humanity, gratitude, and appreciation for them as people; flawed and wonderful despite their shortcomings.
Perhaps it is similar to being at an art museum where I can like and admire many pieces without wanting to take any one of them home. I like to admire and appreciate at an emotionally safe distance. While a lot of men are accused of emotional unavailability, and having commitment issues, I can relate to this as a woman. I want to guard and protect my heart, and one of the ways I learned to do that was to appreciate men randomly, almost indiscriminately, and to shy away from the traditionally good looking hot types since they don't lack for that. I tend to be outrageous, I'm very open about it; however I am also careful about who gets what and when. If I feel like someone actually likes me, then all of my false bravado appears, and I'm stuck in a limbic cycle of fear mingled with sexual excitement. I'm pretty bold and brave, however I am also an introvert. This didn't make sense to me until I read that there are bold introverts, and softer ones. Then a puzzle piece I had been missing snapped into place and I was so happy :)
A lady of ice. While many know me as warm, loving, and giving; I have a tendency to freeze people that fit certain criteria. If you disgust me, threaten me, are overly crude; there are other parameters, those are just a few, but if you mistreat me in a certain way; I will treat you with icy politeness that borders on thinly veiled contempt. I actually feel literally colder on the inside; ignoring people totally would be my preference, I've done that too, but it is an extremely hurtful, if tragically effective strategy so I use it only in extreme situations when I am either completely at a loss internally, or my mind has been so fully blown, or someone has cut me so deeply and painfully that I shut down around them. They become invisible to me, and this is probably an issue for therapy, but I feel like I need to be honest with myself and others who may be reading this because without that authenticity, what is the point of an introspective session?
Now that I've gone through some things that haven't and don't work for me, I want to get to the good part. I'm drowning in a sea of love, and enough is never enough. In your eyes, I see, the flames of love. While men get a bad rap for objectifying women, I do this a lot to them. Before I get to really know people I tend to make generalizations such as; all he wants is sex. Or, he's super hot, and I don't really go much deeper than that. I think I've written about the man who can make you burn from across the room. That is one of the phenomena that I would love to explore much further at some point in time. I have no idea how they do it; they create this awareness without focused attention, it is one of the sexiest things ever, and it doesn't seem to be tied to how someone looks which I find fascinating. There are good looking men that do not interest me, and guys that I don't find as attractive on a physical level who get to me on an almost orgasmic and cataclysmic level. The lady in black.
Now that I've read more on Si (introverted sensing); I wish I had known about this a long time ago. Anything you want, we can make it happen. Last year my daughters and I had some great conversations about love, feelings, who, what, when, where, why, and how. They teach me and hopefully they are learning as well. Never run away. I told my youngest that it was easier to take the path of least resistance, and let the person who likes you into your life (there was more to it than that, but that was the main point). The tired love triangle of he likes her, she likes someone else, and the guy she likes is smitten with a third needs interrupting from time to time. I've been experimenting with the path of least resistance as a way to help me make some decisions. I overthink practically everything (was there a better way to type that sentence? Did it need to be said at all?) I hear your name whispered on the wind; it's a sound that makes me cry.
He's not shy, and I'm not either, but he is very cautious. I'm not normally, but I don't want to scare him away so I try to give him a lot of space and time to himself. I don't know how to dream your dreams. Perhaps some of you will remember my friend with the crush and how she complained that he never touched her, and went out of his way to avoid getting too close. To me this was a clear sign of great respect; he was acknowledging that she may not feel the same way about him that he felt about her, and he was allowing her to feel safe from any unwanted contact. His eyes were a deep blue mixture of awe, reverence, wonder, childlike adoration, his heart was on his sleeve bleeding and pulsing for her while she was comfortable in her denial and oblivion. Now that I have someone who honors my physical space, I better understand both sides. It's a game, but the kind that more than one person can win.
She never liked the idea of a man desiring her; I tend to go too far the other way. I assume that sex is a given if there is interest, and I'm confused by men who seem to want me for who I am, and treat sex as a distant, future possibility, that is just the icing on the cake. I have very little trouble fantasizing about someone, sex scenes write themselves in my mind, I don't usually consciously decide to go down that path, there's usually some sort of trigger, and it can be the oddest thing. I was thinking about a painting when I had a memory flash before me, are you hiding somewhere behind those eyes? There are men that I feel I would be able to connect with sexually, mostly it's a meeting of the minds that makes me feel this is possible. My friend and I were talking about men from work the other day. We have very different tastes, which is a good thing because then we won't fight over the same men even if there are places where we overlap.
Describing him is difficult, but I'll give it a whirl. He walks very slowly, as if nothing and nobody is ever going to distract him from whatever is going on inside of his head. He doesn't come across as an intellectual giant, and who knows, maybe he isn't, but if the building is burning down around him, he's going to be an island of calm during that crisis. He seems to be a curious blend of maddening practicality coupled with a broad streak of whimsical irrationality. I just freeze every time you come near me. Outwardly he seems to be solid and grounded, but I can never shake the idea that inside he's living in a totally different world that nobody else can see, or experience. He doesn't touch things and I find that so interesting. The other day he was sitting in our GM's office, and he seemed totally relaxed and into the event. As someone who could use time management lessons this puzzled me since I thought he would be itching to get back to his work area and cut the conversation short.
Anyone who is curious can see the painting I did for him on my Instagram. Nothing is what it seems. He's left handed; I tried to show him that even though he thinks his hands are filthy, they are doing tremendous things for others. The world is designed for right handed people, it works better for sensors than for the intuitive types. Maybe some people are confused by the painting since he is still and economical with his words and actions; to me, he recharges me on a creative level, and I just love him for that. The regular world drains me, and I find it difficult to stay connected. He has this way of making everything clear and energized. It's as if it is literally pouring off of him, radiating, emanating, this is not about sex or anything like that, I really have no way to explain it other than it's very easy to get into a flow state that feels generated by him.
Some of the vehicles at work use regenerative braking to return a charge to the batteries; maybe that is a decent analogy to use. The work one system is doing fuels another; but it does so by slowing the entire mass down. I must waste countless trips at work. I walk to the parts depart only to realize that I've left the VIN on my desk. I finally get to talk to the person I need; and then they ask me a question that could have been answered had I taken more than two seconds to think through the process. I admire his methodical ways even if they are radically divergent from my own. Chaos is my default, you take my self control, I feel like the entire concept is somewhat foreign to him. His voice is loud, but he almost never says anything. He's enigmatic in the same way simplicity seems mysterious. It isn't really hard to understand, it's so rare it feels difficult to comprehend. He's living, breathing, vital; green energy. The kind that restores, believes, receives, concentrates, and focuses. I feel like I can be myself around him. I like that too.
I feel like he will always be honest and never lie. Not because I am someone special in his life; but that's just the way that he is; he's never going to play the type of mind games other people have tried on me. He isn't going to spare my feelings; perhaps he sees that as a form of dishonesty. If all objects are collections of energy; I want to tune into his frequency. On the surface we seem like complete opposites; I'm lively, scatterbrained, tactful, ridiculously organized, quick, sensitive, and emotional. He's cool, objective, humble, good with his hands, disorganized, detail oriented, speaks only when he absolutely must say something, and uses the fewest number of words to get his point across. I think he feels things very deeply even if he comes across as unemotional. It's all beneath the surface; like a body of water that is calm, flat, and still on the surface, yet teems with life once you break that tension. I could write forever; but none of it comes close to capturing how I feel so perhaps this is the best place to close for the day. Su di noi...
All my best, and thanks for reading and letting me run a bit wild with my fanciful notions. I'm grateful and appreciative <heart emoji>
J
P.S. It is really hard to screw up the right thing, I have a lot of ego so this has been a very humbling and feverish experience. How did he get to me?