Hi E2 peeps,
I took a break from this place for the past month in an effort to stop thinking so much. The harder I try to understand WTF happened in my relationship, the more confused I become. My thoughts go around in circles, and when I talk about it the same stories come out of my mouth. I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. I want these angry thoughts to go away, but they're creeping along the edge of my mind, inserting themselves into my life at random moments.
I keep thinking about how hurt I feel and how much of a jerk my ex is for hurting me. I think about how sad it is that his family doesn't treat him very well, and how he can't even see it. I pushed him too hard to admit things he wasn't ready to admit. He's going to spend his whole life living for his parents instead of for himself. They're all crazy. Living with him for so long made me feel like I"m the crazy one. I'm not crazy. Right? I know I'm not crazy, but I feel like I am.
Yeah. I still need to book a doctor appointment so she can refer me to a therapist. I keep putting that off. Maybe this week I'll do it. Things at work are slowing down. I'll have more free time to do that sort of thing . . . not that I don't have enough time now. My mental energy just isn't the greatest right now. I can only do so much in one day before I feel burned out. I run out of spoons. That's the analogy a friend of mine uses. She says that we all have a certain amount of spoons, and certain tasks use up a certain number of spoons. Some people have fewer spoons than others. So when we've used up our spoons for the day, we're pretty much done. The point I'm trying to make is that I don't have many spoons. I'm like one of those people who just had gastric bypass surgery and can only eat tiny little spoonfuls of food for each meal because their stomach is so damn small.
Not everything in my life has been doom and gloom. I've registered for a 12km Forest Run that takes place in September. A friend of mine signed up with me (otherwise I wouldn't have done it), and we've named our two-person team A Couple of Loons. We'll be designing and sublimating the shirts ourselves. We have all the equipment we need at work.
I'm excited about the race. I've been using my Zombie Run app to help me train, and I'm now able to run 5km continuously. My goal for tomorrow is to do 6km. I'm running 3 times a week now. One of those days is a buddy run. We go on the trail by her place and jump in the lake afterwards. It's great. We don't even wear swimsuits. We just take off our sweaty clothes and jump in with just our underwear on. My ex would be horrified if he knew. Haha. There's nobody at that beach when we go, but still. He would freak out. Oh well. Not my problem!!
Hmm what else... I might be getting health benefits at work. They want a second person to learn embroidery, so I asked about the position and asked my boss about the benefits. I should find out soon what's happening with that. I would likely get more hours during the winter, which is good. However, I would also get more hours next summer, which I'm not thrilled about. I'm still trying to balance the whole freelance writing thing. . . though honestly, I'm not even writing for money right now. I only write on here, and I've started up again with my blog. Well, sort of started up. I wrote one short "I'm back!!" post, and now I'm editing all of my garden photos. My ex was never against my blog, but he didn't really care about it either. He didn't understand the whole idea I had about using it as a platform for maybe writing an e-book, or a print book, or something like that. Yeah I know, I sound so sure of myself right? I still have plans to write a book. I'll have fewer hours at work next week, which will give me more time to focus on my writing goals, which scares the hell out of me.
There it is. I'm scared.
My adjustment period is over. I'm used to driving. I don't feel completely horrible anymore. My finances are stable for the moment.
It's time to get serious about my life.
And I don't want to.
All I want to focus on right now is what I'm doing tomorrow: making this leek and bean dumpling stew thing for dinner, editing my photos, planting the pot of Jerusalem artichokes, putting away my laundry, sorting through a few more boxes of things, and making plans for holiday Monday. Maybe on Monday I'll have more spoons for dealing with my life.
And yeah, I'm not bothering with any links today. Downvote me if you want!!
Thanks for reading.