Immortality blows (fiction)
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Man, I wish I'd never found that goddamn [magic lamp|lamp]. Stupid fucking [Djinn|genie]. I just had to blurt it out, didn't I? "I wish I were immortal!" Half the time they can't even make you immortal, but [Sim Allah Bim of the Seven Winds] just snapped his fingers and said "It is done." Damn, was I stoked. I don't even remember what my other two wishes were. Doesn't make a damn bit of difference now.
Oh, it was awesome for a while. I was all [BASE jumping|jumping off buildings] and shit, getting shot and [electrocution|electrocuted], eating glass, the whole [extreme sports] gambit... I did it all. Nothing could kill me! Then all my friends and family started dying. That really sucked for a while. I made new friends, but they died, too. After six or seven times through with that, I figured friends weren't really worth it. I lived like a fucking [hermit]. Pfft... how long did that last? Two, three thousand years? Four, tops. Yeah, I started talking to people again. Made new friends. They died, too, but I was over it by then.
[Mankind] did some [Tell me a story about being really alive|really amazing shit] over the next couple hundred million years. That was [Big Dumb Object|awesome to see] too, at first. I went to all sorts of [planet]s, watched them move [star]s and build [dyson sphere]s, they even cured themselves of all known disease and started living longer. It was soooo nice to have some friends that didn't just die after a hundred years or so.
But then they started [Human evolution|evolving]. People were turning into [pure energy] left and right. I couldn't do awesome shit like that, stuck in my immortal body. So I made my way back to [Earth] to see how they were doing there, but it turned out to be long since abandoned. So I was stranded on this [Between a rock and a hard place|worthless rock] I'd seen a million times over with nothing to do. Yeah, the planet had changed quite a bit since I'd last been there, but I still wasn't occupied for more than a million years or so. After that it was boring as hell. I remember once I just sat on the edge of a cliff and waited for whatever continent I was on to [continental drift|drift] into another one. Jeez.
But it seemed to keep getting hotter. Now, my immortal ass can stand any temperature you could throw at it, but that doesn't mean I wasn't uncomfortable. Shit, it was [hotter than two rats fucking in a wool sock]. Pretty soon, the oceans were boiling. Now that is a sight to see. I even went swimming in it. [People are basically stupid|Real smart, you fucking genius]. I lost track of time, and before I knew it, the oceans were fucking gone and I was sitting at the bottom. Everywhere I went trying to get back up, BAM! [continental shelf]. Took me a thousand years to find a way back up. The whole thing was desert by that time anyway.
Then there was [Andromeda|this galaxy] that was fucking huge in the sky. It got so big, it took up the whole damn sky. After a while, you couldn't tell its stars from the normal ones. Then all the stars, new and old, started moving around in all these weird patterns. It was some show, let me tell you. Most interesting thing I'd seen in a while. But just as it was getting good, [Some days it seems like the sun is landing on the earth|the goddamn sun exploded].
Now, the sun exploding itself was an even cooler sight than all those extra stars. It got really damn big. Hotter than hell, but worth it. And then BANG! Fucker started exploding. It kept going off for probably a billion years. It was awesome at first, but, shit... [eternity would be boring|give it enough time and anything is boring]. By the time it was done it was like night all the time and the sun wasn't all that much brighter than the other stars in the sky. Not to mention that it was [colder than a witch's tit|cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey] now.
So I waited. And waited. I memorized the stars and came up with names for all of them. And I waited. It was so fucking cold, I didn't move around that much. I couldn't even tell you how long it was, cause it was too damn cold to think. Shit, how I waited.
But then the damnedest thing happened. There was this huge, deafening roar. The sky was on fire. It started getting hot again. The wind got stronger and stronger until I was flying. Then came the [Standing on a mountaintop in northern Siberia under the rapidly descending bulk of asteroid McAlmont, with a calculating expression and a baseball bat|loudest fucking sound I've ever heard] in my life, and I found myself flying up and away from the Earth itself. When I finally got far enough away, I figured it out. Must have been an asteroid or something. [Big fucker], though, there was a sizeable chunk of planet missing; a lot of it was still glowing red hot.
Now let me tell you, I thought it was cold on solid ground with no sun, but that was nothing. [Cosmic Microwave Background|Empty space is fucking cold]. That and not being able to breath... damn, that was an unpleasant time. I drifted away from what was left of the solar system. After I while I could see the [planetary nebula|giant cloud of shit] left over from when the sun exploded. But then I just kept going. Man, it was a long time. Trillions of years, probably.
I landed on planets or even in stars from time to time. If I was on a planet, I was never there more than a billion years or so before another fucking asteroid came and threw me off of it. [sunburn|When I landed in stars] (hotter than fuck), I just had to wait until it exploded and sent me off in some other direction. It really sucked.
But eventually I drifted out of the galaxy altogether. Of course it was nothing like that big pinwheel they told us it was in junior high. Just a big irregular blob. Just drifting and drifting, still couldn't breath. I passed other galaxies. Even from where I was, I could see stars exploding in the close ones. That was cool for a while. But I guess they were all running out of stars or something, the galaxies kept getting dimmer.
About the time the last galaxies were going out, I started to feel like I was going faster. A definite sensation of acceleration. I started spinning around. [black hole|I don't know around what], but I could tell I was spinning from the few galaxies left out. I started to feel like I was stretching out, too. And then I [event horizon|couldn't see anything at all]. Not too long after that I just felt crushed and stopped moving. Just saying that doesn't do it justice. I couldn't even move myself anymore. I felt like someone had crammed me [singularity|inside a fucking shoebox] or something.
This went on for a [10^150 years|long fucking time]. And I just kept feeling smaller and smaller and smaller. [Hawking radiation|When suddenly I was free]. Well, I wasn't being crushed anymore. But I still couldn't move and still felt [photon|tiny as fuck]. And I still couldn't see anything.
[The heat death of the Universe|But that's where it ended]. Nothing has happened since then. Nothing. And that was a [10^1000 years|really fucking long time] ago. I've already rethought every thought I ever had a [googol] times. That's not even an exaggeration, I counted. Yeah, I counted to a googol. That's how long I've been out here.
Man, this fucking sucks. [Immortality and its pitfalls|Immortality blows].