Today was
unsatisfactory.
I had determined yesterday that I would complete a minor coding exercise before that day was out and having failed in that I approached it this morning with a slightly obsessive attitude. I made some progress by neglecting an early lecture but was thrown mid-afternoon by a half-dozen intermittant power cuts.
At this point my head was all charged up like a van der graaf dome, arcing all over the shop. I'm not really a walker but I had to just leave the house and walk. No particular place to go. Just exploring.
I experienced that most irritating feeling as I drifted along. I felt that I was just starting to understand something but without any of the relief that understanding normally brings. It was the kind of understanding that you get when you release your thinking is all wrong. You're going to have to rethink a lot of things and untangle a lot of knots. A lot of what you think is true is very arbitrary.
God knows what prompted this type of thinking, too much spodding, a quarter-life crisis. I'm sure that my feelings are not new to the world but they are moving me. There is nothing I have that could even be defended as idea yet. They are just notions.
Nevertheless, they are crucial. They encompass what I am, how I see the world and where I stand in it. These thoughts do not go away. They just bide their time while I divert myself. I'll need to take them on soon.