Happy Birthday to me. I am 38 today.
I live awash in love, and it is magic.
I mentioned last year that I was dealing with impermanence, and that carried through the rest of 2015. There was a lot of loss, and a lot of uncertainty. We lost the xB. We lost the deck out back. I was working hard on really big chunks of my identity. But in that shaking, in that instability, I found the anchors. I reached out to those closest to me for help, and there it was. It was hard to ask, but the response was so powerful.
I've helped to build a community in Chicago that holds me. It was always there before, slowly coming together and showing me brilliant little moments. But I've been working to bring to bring all of that support right to the surface, and to give back to those that give so much to me. Within that community, people look to me for answers and support, and it warms me so much to know that people hold me in such esteem. I don't know what's next there, other than to take the energy that I receive and point it back at those that give it to me. I have a passion, and it is pointed at something tangible. It's one of the most rewarding things that I've ever done.
I've spent so much of my life being pessimistic. I've always been waiting for the other shoe to finally drop on me. And sometimes things are weird and feel unsolvable. But love is always there waiting now. It is always there to catch me. It is always there to help clear the skies.
I'm wondering if this is the new normal. Instead of the malaise and cacophony of anxiety punctuated with bright moments, maybe I can really live in the bright, and have those moments that remind me of the past. This would be a big paradigm shift for me.
The panicked voices in my head tell me that this can't be the case. It'll be a matter of time before the whole structure comes crashing down.
Let's see.