Can I tell you this?
Because, here in the sunlight, the beams pass through your cracks
and come out
in rainbows - all over this place.
So look here, can you see the reflection spread out like a disco-ball's
lights? Ah! Don't move! The path you've taken and the deep footprints
in the mud are only dance-steps.
You don't dance that much anymore?
That's OK, have a drink and sit this one out, I can hear the music still
playing in the back of your mind - You'll be back on your feet in no time.
I'll sit here with you while you rest.
Let me watch you for a while. Lean against me if you want, I can see
everything I need from here. Sorry, I know I'm not the most comfortable
shoulder to lean on but those are just my broken parts coming through the surface
too. Close your eyes for a while. I know where to look. I know how to
I think I can see a guide star off the bow of your last failed relationship...
can you see it? It's right up there behind that shame you held for too long. All of us
make those kinds of mistakes, it's difficult to open yourself to someone who
isn't capable of loving you- and it hurts when love falls into
a hole - never to be seen again. Makes you wish it never existed at all but that's ok, look at how much better it
makes you shine now -you don't even twinkle, you're so fucking high even the
air can't distort you. You're so fucking high that the world
casts its stars for you to refract.
Ok, turn a little to the left. If you will focus back I can see the
shadow of your misplaced childhood. Can you remember the times when you were alone?
Look there! If you stay really still I'll
try to describe the wolves that hid behind the bushes.
I can try and describe the killers creeping in to smell your fear. I guess it was a lot worse than you remember, wasn't it? I'm
certain I can capture the look in
their eyes as they watched you - such tempting bait. You were solitary as the Moon. It's a good
thing you didn't run. They would have made good sport of you but
you were still, like Luna in the black.
They howled and worshipped you
like I do now.
It won't take a moment, just sit right there and I'll shut the fuck up, I promise.
Damn it! Sit still for a second, trying to trace this many cracks and blemishes is
hard as hell and I don't want to miss a single line.
I want to get the whole
goddamn thing, can you understand? I want to see the scars you've hidden the deepest.
Let me! Trust me! Sit down! I'm not going to press paper against your pain
- you're not a tombstone- you're more fucking alive than you know!
I don't want to just trace your frustration because everything is open to
interpretation. I'm not going to steal your soul. I'm not
trying to make you re-live all the shit you've borne.
I'm just observing - damn it, is that OK?
So stay still and let me do this. Who knows? If I look into the right
place I may find my own face in there. Don't get me wrong,
I won't take pleasure in pain I might have caused- if I've hurt you - but that light might make me look beautiful too
and sometimes it's nice to see oneself as beautiful once in a while. Don't
you understand that your misery comes out in the most perfect, open light? It fucking shames the sky! I can't wait for
you to see it! And that shadow across your face is just the sphere of your
grief passing before the sun. Sit close, in a moment you'll
be warm. I understand your reluctance so don't take my shit if you don't want to.
If you can't stand my
scrutiny then walk away and I'll try to get what I can from a distance. kick my
ass out, knock me to the floor... I'll be staring anyway- sketching
as fast as possible - and happy as a clam.
I would like you to just stay with me for a little
while - right here.
I know this is weird for you and it may seem cruel, this joy I take in observing every misstep
fumble, every failure, every letdown. You keep wanting to hide the times when you were kicked out and
ridiculed, the days that you didn't want to get out of bed, the look on your
face when it was all over, when the game was done, when the time was up, when
the body was discovered. I know it was harder
for you than I can possibly imagine. I can see that it's not an easy thing to
do - hell - to even fucking sit still for this whole thing.
But I promise you this: I promise. I swear - once I am done taking notes and etchings;
once I have traced every fine line of pain; once I am done making your heartaches my passion;
when this portrait is complete and I turn this canvas back around to face you
- you'll see
that it is achingly beautiful.
You'll see that you have to love your scattered shards- just like
You'll realize that, somehow, it all has worth.