The events of the past week have taken their toll. She became a target of my obsessions, and knowing this, I tried to stop thinking about her so much. I think I still check her AIM profile about fifty times a day, but that's usually as far as I go. Initiating conversation will just cause more awkwardness in my mind and in my heart. But that's all I really want to do: talk with her, hear from her. She makes me feel like a marshmallow floating in a cup of Swiss Miss.
Last night I went out drinking with some friends. I had a nice conversation with one of my friends, sitting at a bar in TGIFriday's. The conversation revolved around her, and how I can't get over her. It felt great to get it out of my system, to tell someone who I knew understanded what I was saying. Plus, drowning your sorrows in a pint of Labatt's Blue isn't too bad, either.
I came home late, around 2:30 AM. All the guys in the hall were drunk, fucked up, high...whatever you want to call it. They are just kids, really. Nineteen-year olds, unsure of themselves and what they are about. They are not sure what the future holds for them, and as such, they proceed to live life in a state of chemically-induced stupor, knowing in the end that they'll come out on top, because they are invincible.
Am I so different? I'm 21, a junior in college, and I have no idea anymore what I want. Invincibility, who was once my friend, is now my nemesis. My life has changed since I've moved here, and according to everyone who knew me before, I have changed as well. Maybe that's what I needed. Maybe a fresh start will help my life. Or maybe it won't. We spend so much time looking at such small facets of our lives that, all of the sudden, you change. Your actions, your whims, your thoughts and relationships concerning other human beings. I've lost a few people while being born again, and as the old me, it would have hurt much more losing these people. But the new me realizes one thing: I want to be happy.
Stepping on other people to become happy? Sounds horrible, doesn't it? Not anymore. It seems like I'm going to be doing that often, and not by choice, but by circumstances and situations. In the end, when all is said and done and I lay on my deathbed, looking for the last step in life, I will die happy.
My greatest fear was once to die alone. Now it is to die without regret, sadness, and pain. Here's to good times, and making sure that somber death never comes.