All these years I've thought I was a chick. I've been shaving my legs and wearing a bra and taking a pee--with the seat down, no less--in WOMEN'S restrooms. Can you imagine how stupid I felt when I took the "What Gender Are You?" test at and it informed me I was definitely a man? Wow, now I feel like an idiot for going by the name Ivy all this time . . . people must've thought I was such a sissy!

Well, I'm ready for my new life. I will discontinue shaving my legs immediately, and will begin shaving my face instead, except for that little bit where I'd like to grow a goatee, 'cause I've always thought they were so cool. I will stop wearing skirts altogether, except for the occasional kilt. And I will aspire to sing bass instead of soprano. I will stop wearing stockings to work and begin wearing a tie; I will bitch-slap anyone who dares to call me "Ma'am"; I may even get a girlfriend and behave chivalrously with her to show what a good man I am. I will do my damnedest to stop menstruating.

Oh, and I will change my name to Ivan.