Last time I got this disillusioned
with my job,
Jason had just left and there was noone to talk to.
That wasn't why I hated my job but it is when I stopped
focusing. I threw myself into E2 and got lost here, and
ran away to Israel and tried
to get lost there. Eventually I finished the project I
was working on and things got better for a bit. Simpler.
Last time I was always this sluggish I'd go to bed
at 9, 8:30, 8 o'clock p.m., tired. I'd pull my blanket
over my head and fall asleep in a hot heavy cocoon
of oblivion. My roommate would shut the light
hours later when she went to bed. Eventually the sleep
must have paid off, or the days got longer. Too warm
for blanket blackouts.
Things pass as they will, by mere dint of days and
nights and blurring eyes until you lose focus. The
cramps stop because your cycle has moved on, your
skin heals because you remember not to pick the scabs.
Scars fade. Walking helps me feel I can get away.
I had thought I was going to quit my job, take up a
mentally-unchallenging position answering phones
or playing with kiddies or shelving books,
but I forgot about that. I had thought I was going to collapse from fatigue. I had thought about bloodwork and iron pills and multivitamins but then I woke up.
I am getting tired again, and the screen is starting to
look like a black blob with little points of light in it. 'Problems that go away by themselves come back by themselves'. That's what Andy told me somewhere in the middle. He was right.
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