Dear
English Teachers -
I try to be a good little student. I try to
adhere to your
guidelines. Even though I am no longer in
high school, I try to avoid
contractions and avoid
sentence fragments. I attempt to connect my lists with commas, and keep the comma before the "and" even though newspapers tell me not to do so. However, some of your rules just do not apply in
real life. For instance, starting a sentence with "for instance" or "however" or "but" is not bad. Nor is it wrong to attempt prettier prose by
occasionally flouting standard rules of diction. Most importantly, you absolutely
must stop with this silly business about "five-paragraph essays."
What is the purpose of the "
body paragraph?" Allow me to
speculate that this
structural convention is an attempt to clearly separate thoughts and ideas into blocks. You are attempting to teach students how to structure their thoughts for maximum effectiveness, and thus the strict code of introduction, quote, analysis, transition, and the like. Certainly this format is appropriate for two or three page essays about one book. It is appropriate when a student is attempting to convey three major ideas with textual evidence. But there are many places when this format is not appropriate.
You may notice that I end each of my paragraphs with a "hook" or "transition" into the next paragraph. Then I launch into the next paragraph with additional explanation leading to a primary
point; upon reaching said, I move on to the next paragraph. This format is good and appropriate because it allows both the
writer and
reader to clearly delineate disparate thoughts and ideas. The eye is not tired by one long stream of text. The reader can easily
jump to an appropriate section. The addition of section
headers makes this navigation even easier. This is the new way of writing.
The
internet is the new way of publishing. Hundreds of thousands of people keep online journals called "
weblogs." Millions post in online forums, message boards, and chat rooms. Millions more use
instant messages to communicate in
real time. All of these formats rely on concise bursts of ideas clearly deliniated. In short, these mediums rely on a
style completely in opposition to your
standard five-paragraph essay.
The
consequences are clear and widespread. People either
rebel against the rules of grammar entirely by refusing to
capitalize and use correct punctuation or they attempt to confine their online posts to your standard format. Only those who have learned differently (either through
college education, by
reading, or another method) can break this nasty
habit. And those people are forced to endure the
stupidity of a format not meant for this world.
When in life will people write essays and reports in five-paragraph form? Never in business, and rarely in
academia. I have never found a
college professor who demands a five-paragraph essay. I have never found a book, article, report, or study written as one. I have, however, seen online postings where paragraphs go on for pages, where there is no clear break between ideas, where obligatory quotes to useless information are thrown in because people think they should be.
This format is extremely
detrimental to a new digital society that is not only prevalent but is
saturated into our culture!
By all means, keep your format. Teach the five-paragraph essay. But while you're at it, teach students to write in the same format as they read. For once, teach them to
use apostrophe, instead of just reading it. Teach the writing of
poetry. For goodness sake, teach them how to write
basic prose!For the good of all
humankind, do this for us. Teach students that
literary analysis has a purpose, but it is not the only way to write. It is not even the standard way to write -- in fact, it is a method of writing that is very narrowly defined and generally not used in the real world. It is good for teaching the
structure of argument, but it is only one
tool among many.
If you disagree with me, take your typical news analysis and combine it into five neat paragraphs. See if you can do it, and then see if its more readable than before.
Next, try a
dissertation.
Sincerely,
pythagorous
P.S. - You really do spend a lot of time
obsessing about line spacing and
margin widths as opposed to actual
content. Why is that?