In response to several questions I got: Yes, I did write this.

The Cat in the Hat
By William Shakespeare

Sally: a girl
Boy: a boy, and Sally's brother
Cat: a cat, who doth wear a hat
Fish: a fish
Things One and Two: two scurvy knaves
Mother: Sally and the Boy's mother

Act 1, Scene 1
Sally and the Boy.

Sally: Harken, mine loyal brother
Near our threshold doth strike,
Borne o' Neptune's rage,
Waters from the heavens.
Boy: Ay, and should thou wish
To quit th' place, here, in
Which you and I do dwell
To play and marry make
Thou wouldst do ill to
Thine clothes, for soon they would
Be filled with th' same
Water that pours o' our home.
Sally: 'Tis a cold, cold, wet day.
Boy: A pox o' the rain!
For should it cease and quit
My sister fair and I
Would leave this home, but lo!
We can do nothing save sit.
Sally: I do not like this, brother,
No, not one little bit.
Something went BUMP.
Harken! At th' door,
A sound did give me cause
To start.
Boy: Ay, as did it t' I.
See, yon, sweet Sally, there,
Who dost step o'er our mat
That liest upon th' threshold?
Sally: I see him, as dost you,
For ?tis the Cat i' th' Hat!
Cat: I know, child, that 'tis wet
The sun, it is not sunny.
But cast away thine sadness
Good fun that is quite funny,
Will soon be upon us!
For games to play I knowst
And new tricks for both of thee?
Boy: Aside to Sally. Perhaps-- tho', Mother, dost
Thee wish the Cat within?
Sally: I do not know, o brother.

Act 1, Scene 2
Fish: Aside to Boy and Sally. 'Tis shameful that dear Mother,
Hath left us here today,
For if she were with us,
This Cat she'd send away!
Tell, boy, unto th' Cat
That thou dost not want to play!
To Cat. Away with ye, fool Cat,
And take your tricks--begone!
Cat: Lifting fish. Fear not, fair fish, for, in sooth
Mine tricks are those of God,
And not of He, the Other.
Fish: Then tell me this, God's cat,
By what dark force dost thou
Raise me o'er thine head!
Cat: Fie, fie! No force, but mine
Umbrella. 'Twas for the rain.
Fish: I do not wish a fall
T' break mine crystal bowl
And leave me drowning in
That realm of Zeus, the sky
I beg thee, sep'rate me not
From his wat'ry brother.
Boy: Aside to Sally. I think our fish does see
Th' future, by gazing, ay,
To his crystal bowl.
Cat: I shall divorce you not
From your watery host,
Safe, you are with me,
And I can do yet more?
Boy: He balances many a thing
Upon his limbs and hat,
But fear have I i' my breast
That c'lamity will meet with he--
Sally: Thou spokest in sooth, dear brother
For the Cat hast toppled t' Earth!
Fish: Cries out. What miracle hast saved me
That landed me in a pot
Rather than on the floor?
Aside. O, horror, horror, I see
A-coming from the Cat.

Act 1 ends.

Act 2, Scene 1
Cat: Fish, fear thou not, for now
A new trick I'll show to thee
A game, 'tis sure to please.
Exit Cat. Boy, Sally, and Fish gasp at Cat, offstage. Enter Cat, with box.
My box, see, 'tis the col'r
O blood and leaping flame!
Boy: 'Tis fastened with a hook--
Cat: Ay! Take a look!
A-twixt the boards have I
All locked and closed away
Two Things to share with you
Wanting naught but to play!
He picks up the hook, and Thing One and Thing Two spring out.
Now, look upon the Things,
Namèd One and Two,
They wish you evil not!
Shake hands, make thou friends!
They shake.
Fish: I beg thee, fair masters young
Exclude these Things from thine home
Lest displeased thine Mother be!

Act 2, Scene 2
Things one and two fly kites.
Fish: Alas! The Devil's work is done
By thine Things, who use his pow'r
To wrack our home--O cat!
This pleaseth me not one bit!
Sally: 'Tis Mother's dress--possesed!
Cat: Nay, 'tis on a string.
Boy: I do not like the way they play!
What would our Mother fair--
If she saw these things--
Say t' us!
Sally: I daren't think!
Fish: Think now, fair Sally
For look in yonder window
Thine mother has come at last!
Sally and Boy: Alas!
Boy: Mine net, the great sword of Justice
Shall come down twice upon
The daemon-children Things
Hark! It maketh a PLOP!
Cat: I' sooth thee did not like
The jest my Things have made
My heart is torn--Ay! Worse
Then the fairest lady could. Exit with Things in box.
Fish: The cat has gone at last.
But to undo his mess would be
A task more per'lous than
Odysseus' voyage o'er the seas!
All despair.
Enter cat upon a horse of metal and wood.

Cat: Devil-work you call it, O Fish!
But for my last damn'd trick
I shall undo my doings
And thine Mother shall see them not!
Boy: 'Tis a boon!
Fish: Indeed!
Cat cleans up to heavenly choir.
Cat: I bid farewell to thee,
O Fish and Boy and Sally!
Exit Cat.
Enter Mother.

Mother: Had you two some fun?
Speak--what didst thou do?
Boy: 'Twas wet indeed outside
There was no fun to be had!
Fish: It was a day so gray.
All laugh. Exeunt.
Afterthought: Mike Myers is a wanker.