I just want to make this clear.

This wasn't how it was supposed to happen.

When CBS first came to us with the idea of a television show based on the revolutionary online community called Everything2, we were pretty excited. It was supposed to be an team-based off-beat variety game-show drama. Sorta like The Price is Right meets Family Feud meets Upright Citizens Brigade meets Tenchi in Tokyo. Noders would fly in from around the world, participate in crazy antics, win cash prizes, and fall in love.

There were a few in particular who were supposed to fall in love with me. This was to be a major plot point.

When they offered us a one-million dollar budget for the first 14 weeks, we were ecstatic. That was enough money to fly in a few noders, and give gas money to the ones in Holland, MI -- not to mention have enough left over for bandwidth and martini lunches.

Well, 26 weeks of negotiations later, we got shafted into doing this Survivor2 reality show bit. It was all I could do to keep it from becoming When Noders Go Bad: Torrid Everything2 XP Pack Rape. Anyway, they'd get an island, we'd get the noders, and 14 weeks later I'd be the only one left, with enough money to mutual fund the rest of my natural life.

But as far as I was concerned, the deal always was, I'd be running the show

Once I got to the island I realized that things were going terribly wrong. The backdoor features which I retain on Every Everything System were no longer functional, or didn't work correctly. My gods access had been revoked, and the mysql server wasn't taking remote connections.

at that point I realized that other entities had been collaborating with CBS producers to make things more "innaresting"...

For the first couple of weeks, things went fine. We got rid of the noders in more or less the agreed-to order. Then knifegirl got ousted. This wasn't supposed to happen. There were supposed to be safeguards against old-timer gods from losing access.

That's when the island started falling apart from me. Immediate suspicions on dem bones and jessicapierce, who could have fried the gods usergroup leaving us all powerless. By then my sole intent was to regain control of the island server.

I tried encoding operations on the beach, charcoaled on scraps of leaves, even branding myself with a sqlInsert function call. ow. Nothing... nada... Whoever secured the system munged up the internals pretty good, to the point where even I couldn't gain access. Again, proof that they had inside information.

At some point I realized that my last fifteen writeups all had reputation -2, and I was going to be the next one out. No more hasty feature development to bolster my score. Thus was I booted.

But I have one last thing to say! This whole thing was a fix from the beginning. My plane ticket home was reserved two months before I was thrown off the island. If they didn't instigate it themselves, they knew when the nate would drop.

Nathan Oostendorp went back to his job of webmaster and developer on the Everything2.com website. His aspirations to television fame denied, he returned to his early adolescent hobby of creating pastry chess sets for retired chessmasters birthday parties...