Back about
a week ago I would have killed any number of people I genuinely like for some decent time
alone to do whatever I wanted to do. Then an odd turn of circumstances kept me
at school for Thanksgiving instead of going home, and now I've seen almost no one but my housemate for five days and I'm so
sick of myself I could
scream.
I've been
thinking too much.
My
parents came to visit yesterday, which is the one exception to my week of
isolation, though somehow they don't quite count as people. The affair was surprisingly
painless, with the exception of the one or two jabs my dad made at the fact that
my life is going nowhere. We actually laughed and talked.
I miss my
mommy. It was good to see her.
But other than that it's been a virtual
black hole, and I think that was a good thing, but I'm ready for people again. I sorted a lot of stuff out and I'm thinking more clearly than I have in a
long time. Though now what I'd give for a
vacation where I didn't have to see myself at all. I spent a little too much time looking at the less pretty parts that have fractured, and trying to put them back where they go.
I've
talked myself down quite a bit. I looked at the things that have been bothering me and I found some good, I think. I wrote a
lot. I painted. I emailed some
friends that I miss very dearly from this past
summer. I finished absolutely nothing that I was supposed to for school. But then I guess there's still all of today for that. I
slept. As much and as long as I liked. Wow did that feel fantastic. I even cooked last night. Mmmm,
broccoli stir-fry. Haven't had that in ages.
"So I guess all is well," I say, in a resigned sort of way. There are still a lot of things
unresolved. I don't know what's to become of me. But I stepped back. I looked. And maybe it's not that bad. Maybe
distance is helping. Maybe I'll be over him soon. Maybe I have a
future. Maybe my dad loves me in spite of all the shit he throws at me. Maybe
physics isn't all that bad, and I can get through the two more
courses I need to take. Maybe painting and
writing were exactly what I was looking for all along, only I need to live a bit too to find things to
paint and write about.
I'm not
counting on any of these. But hey. There's always
maybe.