Friday the 13th on a Monday as Churchy would say.
My mood is black, black, black. However, I like black and it is, after all, Red Paw's element. (Red Paw is one of my alter egos. Protective, cynical and I think she's very funny though my cousin hates her).
I am trying to figure out how to rein Red Paw in for clinic tomorrow. I removed every picture of my children from clinic after Thursday's Surprise-You-Are-On-The-Agenda Meeting. I replaced them with two pictures of synchronized swimming (look folks, these people work as a team. Underwater holding their breath.) and various pieces of art: a Bug's Bunny card in Spanish, a stuffed toy Wild Thing, a Danish wood mother and child very abstract simple sculpture and the wooden Ox sculpture that the Extroverted Feeler just brought me from Spain. And a card from my conservative Christian housekeeper helper/organizer that says "You are a beautiful person inside and out." So there future ex-partners! Pthbpthpbt!
Also Mary Oliver's poem The Journey. I am thinking about putting up my poem about being burned at the stake and not dying, but perhaps they are nervous enough around me. It is going to be darned hard not to say sarcastic things if they ask how I am. "Fine, I am so reassured that my partners want me to succeed." This morning I got the image of Piccard sneaking around the Borg ship dressed as a Borg. Think that is a good idea. Ok, my future Ex-Partners are all part of the American Medical Brainless Borg and they are Not Going To Question Authority. And they want me to be a Borg too, damn it. I am SO disappointed in them. I search inside for compassion. Red Paw laughs. I'm not there yet. I've counted through my black suits and I have enough to wear one every day this week, that will help me to mourn silently. Mourn the loss of my partners to the Borg. I feel awfully lonely.
But, if the other doctors won't listen and NPR won't call me and my local paper won't touch my poems, now what? Ah, I have my next steps lined up. I called and left my representative a detailed message Saturday. I am thinking that Michelle Obama or Oprah might be interested. And gosh, you know who doesn't like the medical Borg? My patients. I've recruited 5 already. And since I like people who are openly tough and up front, I have a lot of them and some are community heavy hitters. Also need to go talk to my Unitarian Minister. Maybe I can do a "state of American Medicine from my point of view" poetry reading at the church. Heh, heh, heh. Let's see the Medical Borg scotch that. Also am wondering if Canadian version of NPR might be interested. Or one of those evil obnoxious morning radio shows.
The sermon for Easter was about modern theism. I would have absolutely said I am not a theist and by the end I thought, I'm a damn theist. Raised Devout Atheist and then fuzzy Unitarian and now modern theist. How utterly comic. Also found an article about trusting in abundance and between the sermon and the article I thought, relax, you can't change this overnight. Wait for help.
There, now I've cheered myself up. Ok, time to work on damn charts.