1. After the week of waiting, and then the nasty phone call, finally shake off compulsion to
deny/
scream/
weep/
drink compulsively that
you were already carrying around with you.
Toughen up. You've got others to think about.
2. If you're far away, in the middle of
school/
work, make travel arrangements while either
chain smoking or
writing terse e-mail
explanations to your bosses. Do not negotiate. Do not think about money. Do not think about time.
Note to self : Forget
self.
3. It would seem that 72 hours is the stipulated (if unspoken)
de facto period of
mourning for the contemporary workplace. This
sadly (yet eerily convenient) is just about how long a cat, if provided music to listen to, a large bowl of food, and two dishes of water, can
hang out in an apartment alone without getting too skittish.
Try not to think about it.
4. Remove baggage small enough to carry-on during flight in order to avoid a) possible loss which would currently make you
go postal and
b) baggage carrousel crowds, which would have you pushing people on the
conveyor belt.
5. Remove best dark suit from closet, regardless of current state, along with dress shirt, dark tie, shoe polish. Fold carefully. Fold again.
Try once more. Start getting really, really angry as shirt continues to not fold properly, so instead bundle it into a ball.
6. Taxi to airport. Get on plane.
Cough/
cry/
clench your teeth a lot to avoid being talked to or sat with.
7. Now is the time to either a) try to catch up on a week of no sleep, or b) begin the fortifying drinking immediately; appropriate action here
will depend largely on your current
Guilt deficit, which itself is a sum of a) the last time you saw the departed, b) the circumstances of that
meeting, c) overall closeness, d) other crap things happening in their or family's life at the time, e) other crap things happening in your or
family's life at the time.
8. In other words,
commence bottling like wild, press forehead firmly against window, try to convince yourself the plane crashing would be a remotely
negative outcome.
9. Arrive at airport. If lucky this will be in the middle of the night at a very small, one terminal affair. If not,
you're on your own.
10. Greet younger relative(s) who've arrived to pick you up. If you're from a family of ten aunts and uncles, this number may be slightly
inflated. However, if the funeral is on for ten hours after your arrival, some of them may be a little out of it. Make attempts at defusing
through
humor. Fail miserably.
Try again.
11. Drive to
home town/childhood locale which you haven't seen in years. Marvel at how things have remained seemingly frozen in time.
Breathe deep breaths before arriving at the
church :
you need oxygen to breathe. Keep this in mind after you park and walk towards the archway.
12. See state of family and immediately forget 11.
13. Resist overwhelming desire to get back in car and drive away.
Recommence bottling. Funerals are not about your feelings. Do what is asked of you,
do not argue. Read in front of hundreds from
the Bible, be a
pallbearer, kneel before the
casket, take
Communion. You are the strong
young, there to support the
grieving old.
14. See the state of your younger brother and immediately forget 13.
Crack into a million, tiny jagged pieces near the end.
15. And then, suddenly walk out into the blue sky and sea air, see the gulls whirling above, hear the sounding of the bells. Think how sick and wrong it is, for a half
second,
how everything is so pretty when you walk out of a funeral. If you're burying your
nanny up the hill, in a rocky rural
cemetery
from the 1800s, try to suppress this thought even more. Until your mom arrives, in which case it'll disappear anyhow, on its own.
16.
The Wake, and a
drink to the dead, and then slowly, joking here and there, and then a slight unbinding of
nerves, and then
food and more drink, and more laughter. Then stories, as many as possible, as funny and exaggerated as possible. Then the younger ones
cart off, maybe down to the shore. By the banks of the bay. And then the
sunset. And then the stars and the waves. Think about the
other
Dead, wish them well, and finally, then when it's all over - the
ceremony and
structure, the
formality and
ritual, then really say goodbye.