Return to Love is touching souls, surely you touched mine (idea)

That is a lyric from the song "A Case of You" by Joni Mitchell.. I have it on repeat right now.

I had a very sad, horrid day.. but it was topped off with a call from a friend.. inquiring about my ex.. he is missing.. he could be fine, or dead.. knowing him either one is possible.

Earlier today, I noded my journal entry from 1995.. about our first kiss.. "The day I realized what being alive was".. He is my first true love.. in many ways.. I lost my "virginity" to him.. he was my childhood sweetheart, prince charming, first romance, true love, the first person I bore my soul to, and the only man I have ever been IN love with.

I would do anything to see him healthy and happy. Even if it meant never having him anywhere in my life.. I would sacrifice that, because knowing he was happy.. well.. it would be worth it..

I've been through it all with him.. affairs, crisis, addiction, issues, skeletons, fears, desperation.. his/mine/ours.. I am scared.. I am worried.. I am sad.. I am torn and feel ripped apart..

I was going over some nodes I've written about him.. "i miss you, damn you for being so damn amazing" was written to try to sort ideas out on paper.. "Why I am neurotic about love" is basically just me trying to put down in words.. how his prescence in my life has effected me.. "May 1, 1998", is a journal entry of when he walked back into my life again and the tragic events that followed.. and "Letter Interrupted" was a goodbye letter I sent to him when I tried to fall out of love with him..

I dunno.. reading these make me want to cry.. but being me.. I can't let the tears fall.. I can just physically feel my heart being torn in my chest..

"I wish I could let you know that you saved my life.. and you helped show me it was worth living.. when you got married.. part of me was elated.. i thought "he may not be with me.. but at least he is finally happy".. if i thought you were happy.. when I last saw you.. what happened never would have.. I want you in my life.. you bring out a part of me I didn't know exsisted.. but you cant pull the strings that you do.. part of me will always be in love with you.. I'm not sure if that is good or bad.." - 10/99		Existing:

Non-Existing: