A quick update on what's been going on lately. My organizational binder hasn't worked the way I thought it would. I suspect I crammed too many things into it instead of keeping it very simple. I turned it into a creative art project with a lot of detail and color which is fine, but not functional. What has worked for me better than I thought it would is my finance binder which consists of my bills, envelopes for weekly receipts, and a looseleaf sheet of paper where I write the date, where I was when I spent the money, and keep a running balance of what I've spent compared to how much money is in my checking, savings, and clothing and shoes account that I use to buy things for the girls.
This system has evolved over the past month. At some point I'd like to go through and make it more streamlined, but I have a test to be studying for so that will have to wait. Yesterday I did some errands. I felt very unproductive and lazy even though my tires needed to be rotated and my car aligned. I feel as if I spent foolishly buying an expensive smoothie when I could have packed a breakfast for myself. I ate lunch with my mom and realized that even two meals away from home were hard on my digestive system and overall mood. I tried reading in the cafe, but I was very distracted so I didn't get much accomplished there. Surprisingly I got a lot more done reading in the car, probably because I had good music, and fewer distractions.
I keep things out in the open so I can see and find them more easily, but they contribute to visual clutter. It's unlikely that I'm going to forget where my books are if they're all in one place. I had this fear of turning into my dad who was a hoarder. As a result I thought my best course of action was to back up every book I owned and donate them all. Fortunately that moment passed and I was able to go through my books and put them in bins. I would like to put the books in one place, but there's no timeline on that so it will have to go on my list of things to do at some future point in time. Part of the problem is my bookcase is full. My daughter is using my larger bookcase. I'd like to give her the dresser and smaller bookcase, I rearrange things so often it gets tiresome for people who live with me.
School has been going well despite my lack of technical skill in lab. I'm much better at the book part which is understanding what I'm supposed to be learning in lab. It's frustrating, but I really love the subject matter despite how overwhelming it can be. We skip around in the book which bothers me, I try to read the chapters we're assigned, but all too often I find myself doing things like sorting pictures for seven hours, leaving the unfinished project on the family room floor, and worrying that I won't have mastered the material I need to get a 70% on the test which I might be able to get without studying since I've already taken anatomy and listened to the lecture which is how I learn best.
Last night I was able to get the girls to do the dishes. I started making califlower soup late at night so there were still dishes on the counter this morning that the girls did before school. It was great that they didn't argue although it made my morning stressful when I felt as if they weren't getting on them fast enough. I hung a load of laundry while they were upstairs. After two melatonin and an early night I woke up before six and took a bath, yet I still wasn't ready when I wanted to be. Part of that is my skin is so dry I have to put a lot of oil on it and then I don't want to get my clothes greasy so I wait to get dressed. Laying out my clothes the night before helps, I tried putting four outfits together in bins. It helped somewhat, but was encouraging.
Today the girls are meeting a new therapist. Neither of them want to go, perhaps the appointments aren't necessary, I guess I'll find out when we're there. I'm listening to the Moody Blues. I find that while I really like music that's more lively, calmer softer music tends to slow my mind down a bit. I threw out a squash instead of making it. At the grocery store they were on sale. I knew they weren't fresh when I bought them, that was another lesson learned. Yesterday I checked out some books on bipolar disorder which was progress. I've flipped through a couple, enjoying them all, but ended up spending the most time on a book on schizophrenia. I'm really looking forward to school tomorrow. I have my scrubs ready to go, lunch options, and I had fun reading which will hopefully also be true today.
Feels good to be taking the time to write this despite the incredible anxiety.
Take care,
Jess