For the past I don't know how long I've wanted to write this. Not
this specific post, but numerous posts that drifted through my mind, or
leapt into my head accompanied by a compelling urgency. Since I wasn't
able to write about the event or idea at the time, I would imagine
myself typing furiously, or editing to make sure I hadn't allowed a typo
into my next, I mean text, but inevitably I'd get home, be distracted,
or lack energy to write. Then what I had thought so highly of earlier
now seemed dull, uninteresting, or like too much work to invest in
something very few people were going to be reading. In short, I forgot
that writing was for myself.
Much has happened since I last wrote, I had a streak going for a
while, and I was really proud of what I had accomplished because I've
noticed that when I don't write about the mundane and ordinary, it
builds up inside of me, and then when I need to write something, the
stored emotion comes pouring out, and slops up my professional posts. Sometimes I
wonder, should I be writing about this, and then I realize, it doesn't
really matter, because I feel better when I get things out.
So many things have happened, and I can't think of these memories as
lost, or I'll go crazy. My oldest borrowed my debit card and charged
$200 worth of music and games to her iTunes account. My youngest is a
cheer leader, I left the phone that is by my side 24/7 plugged into the
charger on a bitter cold night when I had to navigate country roads with
blowing snow so I didn't get to take any pictures of video of her first
game. The girls were absolutely adorable, and I'm almost grieving
because I failed to capture her the way I wanted to remember her.
I told my husband that I don't want to be a couple. The things he's
done these past few weeks have been grand lifestyle changes, and I'm not
sure what prompted them. He ate a salad, he now drinks tea, he's lost
about 25 pounds, he gets up early. He isn't bringing junk food home.
He's sticking up for me in front of the girls, folding laundry, doing
dishes, helping make meals, and cleaning up after we're finished eating.
Sunday morning we went to church as a family. I needed a tea so he
bought me one.
The girls ordered hot cocoa, and we sat at a small wooden table
savoring steaming beverages and eating coconut macaroons for
breakfast. This is it, this is what I wanted in a man. I had to resist
the temptation to watch the Rays/Red Sox match up that he was watching
the other day. He said he would go to games with me, he bought an
aromatherapy DVD for me last night, and now we have a new comforter that
matches our room, and we went to therapy together last Monday. He's
given me money to see the chiropractor, and bought new brakes for my car
that he'll install when the weather warms.
So now I'm confused, and overwhelmed, and angry at myself, and at him
because Twitter was my safe place. The haven I had where I could
escape, and now I'm having to face the fact that in many ways he has his
shit together when I don't know if I ever will. When I write, I'm
limited to what I know, and I realize that I need to show without
telling, but I'm afraid to write about how I can't figure out how to
work a fucking calendar because even small children can see an event on a
date, and realize what that means.
My phone now has 4 calendars, and I put appointments in there without
knowing how this system works. It feels wrong to go onto my phone and
not know where this information I desperately need has gone to, and the
reminders don't work, and I know theoretically how to solve this
problem, yet that doesn't translate into a real life skill I can use so I
go to appointments on the wrong day like I did yesterday, and then I
feel really stupid even though I have some intelligence, and I'm
completely frustrated by my inability to do a lot of the things that
seem so effortless for others. Then I wonder if it's really a problem in
my head, or if I'm just lazy, or depressed, or subconsciously not
wanting to do the things I need to, and I hate feeling like my life is
unraveling faster than I can grab the flailing strings of it.
So I try to make my character like me, but not too much like me,
which is really hard to do, because I need to solve these problems. Or
do I? Is it really okay to recognize that each of us has things that
make us unforgettable, and we have crippling weaknesses that accent
our incredible strengths? I think it is, but in the meantime, I need
some coping strategies. I have a phone. There's a calendar hanging up in
the kitchen, right where my sister told me to put it. I think I wrote
one or two things on it before forgetting to put the rest of my
appointments on there.
My acupuncture guy sends me email reminders, and I just love him for
it. It feels as if my brain is great at seeing and understanding things
that other people aren't paying attention to, and that's cool, but it is
really upsetting to not be able to manage day to day things the way
that I feel I should be able to. So what am I going to do? First I'm
going to find out what my real problem is, because I feel that if I
don't know what is causing the problem, I won't be able to get a
solution that actually works. What I've tried so far isn't working, so I
need to figure out what will.
Today I'm proud of myself for remembering that I had two appointments
that conflicted with each other. I was able to reschedule my
appointment with my chiropractor so I could get to my therapy
appointment on time. I've gone through my clothes many times, but I
still end up with too much, and then it's on my bed and desk and in my
room and in my way, and I'm tired of it being there, and I hate the way
that I look in these clothes that used to be so cute and fun. I'm hard
on myself and others. I need to let go, that's what my acupuncture guy
said. I just love him. There are a couple people in my life whose voices
soothe me.
I can listen to these people, and drift off into a state of
wonderfully conscious relaxation, and sometimes I want to tell these
people who they are, but then I'm afraid that if I did, they would stop
talking to me, or get creeped out by what I'm getting out of their
creations. I'm really glad I wrote this. There's a lot more I'd like to
be convering, but I'll be back, and belive me, there are no shortage of
issues in my life to cover.
Until next time, please be well, and I'd like to close with a thought
that a friend of mine shared with me when I was feeling very low. He
told me that I was not only appreciated, I was loved. He gets a gold
star, and I will continue to pray that you keep on shining regardless of
how dark your sky may be.
With love,
Jessica