Much has happened to me this past year. Looking back, I don't
remember things that have occurred which scares me. I don't want to let
fear rule my life yet in a lot of ways it does. I'm afraid to try
getting another job because my body isn't reliable and it doesn't work
the way that it should. Both my rheumatologist and oncologist have left
the clinic I used to go to. Back in November I went in for food
sensitivity testing. I could almost laugh now because one of my fears
was that the test would come back negative only no answer would have
been an answer, maybe a better answer than the one that did come back.
Eliminating 64 foods from an already restricted diet hasn't been easy. I
cheated a little at Christmas so I stayed up late not feeling well but
at least now I have more definitive answers although I have to admit
I've been through the typical rage, grief, denial, acceptance stages
more than a few times.
Christmas is typically not a holiday I enjoy. This year I spent
Christmas Eve sitting on the couch playing checkers on my phone. The
girls were on the computer and computer time is okay as long as it is
balanced with play, exercise, cleaning your room and other activities.
My circulatory system doesn't work right so my hands and feet are cold
and clothing helps only to a certain extent. I have some nerve damage which makes slight temperature changes almost
unbearable. People make fun of me because I dress in three or four
layers. This is a defense system because my thermostat is broken and I
wouldn't wish this on anyone else but sometimes I wish people could feel
what I feel for a day so things that I do would be more understood.
During my upbeat times I look back and see that I little by little I
have improved in many ways. Then on my bad days or times like this I
think that life is not fair even though no one said it was going to be.
A few days ago a guy I know went in to the ER complaining of chest
pain. Today he underwent bypass surgery. He has not had a healthy
lifestyle, he's a bit older than I am, forty or so, and it scares me
because some of the diseases I have can affect my organs without me
being able to do anything about it. So when others are grabbing another
handful of chips or I watch other people eating fluffy scrambled eggs I
have to remind myself that those things are going to hurt instead of
help. I'm frustrated because I don't know what is going on with the
company from California. The other day I talked to my sister about going
back to school to be a dental assistant or hygienist. The pay is not
bad, the schooling is relatively short and I have some of the classes I
would need out of the way since I already have a four year degree.
The other day I drove past the sign an area dentist had posted and I
wondered if God was trying to give me a sign by putting that in front of
me. I did some research but I'm still in the decision making process.
Despite the factors stacked against me dentistry, like podiatry, has
always fascinated me and I really wish I had gone into that instead of
acquiring a history degree that hasn't helped me land a job or advance
in a career. Now that my children are older I could go back to school.
I've always liked learning but I have to be very realistic about what I
can do before my body gives out. My aunt and uncle had people over the
day after Christmas. I ended up having to lie down over at their place
because I get to the point where I literally don't have the energy to
stand upright anymore.
My joints hurt, nerve pain is something I'm becoming accustomed to
but it all wears you down without you really doing anything. I overdo it
on the days when I feel good which also makes me mad since I have no
one to blame but myself. Then, there are those rare precious moments
when I feel okay. And the pain recedes and I can lie in bed or sit on
the couch or do laundry or dishes without having to give my hands or
arms or legs a break. Some good things that have happened recently: I
cleaned the house and it has stayed relatively the same since we've been
gone quite a bit. The other day I made my youngest lie down since she
had been crabby the entire morning. After her sister went to bug her I
made her lie down next to me and all three of us took a much needed nap.
I got some money for Christmas. I have to use it to pay bills however I
am grateful that I have it. I would like to buy a juicer but that will
have to wait.
Having people over on Christmas Day was nice. I haven't hosted a
party in years and I felt slightly like my old self for a few minutes.
My neighbor brought cookies and bread over. I made quite a bit of food
that went uneaten since my sister brought assorted chips but I felt good
about what I accomplished. Some of the supplements I take have been
helping. Being tired is a way of life for me so I start the morning with
a double dose of B vitamins. Even foods I should be able to eat
sometimes bother me since I don't produce enough stomach acid to break
things down. My cabinet is full of pills but I have this regimen and if I
follow it religiously things go better than if I skip doses. I've been
reading up on some of my conditions. I'm encouraged at the progress I
have made and I'm really proud of myself that I haven't put anything
except my unexpected trip to Vegas on my credit card.
My hands look better than they have. I could possibly go back to
school to become a dental assistant and it might not be my dream job
however I would probably excel at it and it would be a good way to
expose myself to a new set of people and information. Lately I've been
going to church even if I have to take the girls by myself or go alone.
The weather has been unseasonably warm for which I am very grateful. I
wear hats, gloves, a scarf and many layers of clothes even indoors and
people sometimes stare or question me about it. Telling them I have a
disease that affects thermoregulation usually helps but I do find myself
avoiding others since I get really tired of having to explain my
strange behavior to people over and over again. I might sit down, stand
up and be too dizzy to stay standing up. Most of the time we sit in the
balcony at church.
Sometimes I have visions of myself falling over but those are mental
fears that I have to get over. My weight goes up and down, when people
tell me I look good and they wish they had my diet I don't think they
know what I've gone through or what it's like to not be able to feel the
tips of your fingers tapping at the keyboard. For a while I was into a
new fictional series. That was a lot of fun because I was so into the
characters and their lives that I forgot they weren't real. The only
problem is I realized I needed to start at the beginning instead of the
middle so I had to set that project aside for a new one. I've been
having more trouble with the new people since I don't know them as well
and they are less dynamic than some other people I've written about in
the past. This past midterm my children both came home with better
grades than they had the previous midterm. Hopefully every parent
believes that their children are beautiful, wonderful miracles that
they've been blessed (and cursed) with. Since the girls have gone gluten
and dairy free I've seen improvements across the board however others
deny that the improvement exists or that there were issues before.
My three sisters are generally supportive even if they don't always
agree with the things I believe in or do. My niece's father has been
asking to see her more however in the past he's been an unreliable and
disinterested parent. He's exactly my age, his birthday is six days
before mine and you'd hope that someone who is now pushing forty would
be more mature. It breaks my heart to have to watch my niece get excited
and then disappointed and upset when she realizes that once again her
father isn't showing up for an event he promised he would be at. I write
about the things I love that interest me however it is difficult for me
to write about my children not because I don't care but because I care
too much. I didn't think my life would be like this or I'm not sure I
would have passed any of my genetic defects along to another generation.
Another upsetting thing that others have addressed is the sale of E2. I
want this site to work when I open up a draft. I'm tired of losing work
and I've probably written more than I have all year recently but
without a reliable connection to the site it's hard to draft, edit or
Another nice thing I couldn't have predicted was how fun it was to
win a prize after the Iron
Noder Challenge. I would encourage anyone who wants to improve their
writing skills to write as frequently as they can and to enter even
silly contests because the more you do something the better you're going
to get. No one sitting on a pile of writeups gets worse with each post.
You get faster, new ideas crop up and sometimes seeing what you did
wrong is just as valuable as getting some upvotes or even a ching.
Something I do whenever I participate in Iron Noder is post pieces I wouldn't
normally because I'm afraid of what kind of reception they might get.
This is essentially a consequence free environment for your well done
work and the downvotes mean that there is still room for your work to
improve. And sometimes you don't know how population noderville will
react to a piece or series.
I wish E2 was more supportive of the actual writing process however I
feel incredibly blessed to have stumbled onto this site. Recently some
people have moved on, over the years I've told myself that I might leave
one day but I'm going to decide when and I certainly am not going to
let anyone threaten, bully or intimidate me. People who succeed at
life keep getting back on the horse that threw them and you can sit and
feel sorry for yourself however there are always people who have it
worse just as there are those people you want to be jealous of even
though you realize that they have problems you wouldn't want either. For
now I'm in love with the idea that things are going to get better and
all it takes is me appreciating what I have instead of focusing on what I