Recently my boss has seen fit to delegate the responsibility of hiring some warm bodies for our ISP's helpdesk. He forwarded me several email applications and resumes.

I have never hired or interviewed a single person in my life. In fact, I hate interviews and resumes. It always seemed like such a waste of my time. I always felt employers should just tell me what they wanted me to do...if I could do it I would take job...if not I would tell them to look for someone better qualified than me. Too bad reality doesn't match my fantasies.

On the one hand I desire to do a good job at finding helpdesk techs. On the other hand, I don't want to be a dick like most of the interviewers I have dealt with in my life. I hate it when they ask stupid human resource questions like, What is your greatest strength and greatest weakness? I must not allow the dark side to suck out my soul. At the same time I must not abuse the trust I was given.

One of these applicants really caught my attention. I will share with you below:

Dear Sir or Madaam,

I would like to know what your best qualified applicant would expect to be paid and what your terms are. I currently am working on the Island of St Thomas doing this line of work (computer repairs and networking and also telecom systems) for many years. Also I have over 10 years experience in the telecom field and know many people at Innovative (vitelco). I am bilingual (English and Spanish). My hours are very flexible as this is how I have been working for many years so I am used to this type of work habit. Maybe we can help each other… If you feel you would like to discuss any possibilities,, I would be happy to talk. You can contact me by sending a reply message. I have left my name out of this email because I don’t know who is at the receiving end. If you would like to talk maybe we can meet up sometime to discuss it. Thanks for your time.
The fool used a yahoo mail address. So I popped over to He had his real name and other personal information posted there. Muhahahahahaha. My reply:
Dear (I used his full name here),

Thank you for your email. Please send us your resume so we can consider your application.

And now his latest reply:
I left my name out of the original email for a reason, because I don't>know who is at the receiving end, but obviously you did your homework. If you care to tell me what company and to whom it is going then I would be happy to send more info. (I don't like the idea of sending info blindly to an anonymous type email address). just does not say enough about who you are....

I can see this guys point. I am not sure why my boss posted this help wanted ad anonymously. But I just couldn't help myself. I had to needle him. Show him how easy it was to strip away his perceived anonymity. ::smack:: Bad ianah0! I understand the paranoia. But...I am not sure I want this guy working around here. He is at best inept. He obviously thinks he knows so so much...and really knows shite!

So now I must reply once again. This guy has not made the cut. I must reply and let him know he is not chosen. I should do this in the most professional and nice manner that I can. And yet....

Everything within me cries out to send this:
Dear Capt. Paranoid,

I represent the People's Republic of Mars. We invite you to join our proud ranks and use your skills for the good of our planet. We will send a ship to pick you up and transport you to our recruiting station on the dark side of the moon. Please pack a toothbrush, jumper cables, and three quarts of motor oil. Anything else you need will be supplied.

Beeblebop Fr'hi'na'Arg
Chief Recruiting Officer
Mars Operation Center
I can't send that. No matter how fun it would be. Any noders suggestions as to how to deal with this would be appreciated. Also, advice on how to keep my soul intact while carrying out management funtions is needed.

Some details were changed to protect the anonymity of certain people. hahahahahahahahahaha