Narco-Bailout Dip, a.k.a. "taco hummus", is a crowd-pleaser perfect for parties. It's not nearly as big of a pain in the ass as the seven layer dip recipe from the back of the refried beans can. And, since it has the word "hummus" in the name you would use if you took it to a work party, people might think it's better for them than it really is.

The below recipe renders enough television slop for four typical American fatasses, or part of an hors d'ouvres table for ten Euro-aliens. The recipe can be easily scaled indefinitely as long as you're willing to work the blender in relays.

You will need:

  • blender
  • shallow casserole dish, preferably with lid. or tupperware. or whatever, really. you'll see.
  • 1 lb. ground beef
  • 1 packet store brand 'taco seasoning'
  • 1 can black beans
  • 1 can chick peas
  • 1 can pinto beans
  • 1 lb. shredded cheese (I use the store brand four cheese 'fiesta blend')
  • 1 lb. sour cream
  • garlic powder
  • seasoned salt

Brown the beef with the taco seasoning. Halfway through the browning process, put in the can of drained black beans. You won't get them to quit drizzling that grainy purple goop entirely, which is fine. Just so long as you get most of the moisture out. The "hold the razor sharp can lid in place with one finger and pour it into the sink" method is fine, no need to blow dry them or anything.

While the hamburger is browning, dump the mostly-drained chick peas and pinto beans into the blender, along with a huge pile of garlic powder and a slightly less huge pile of seasoned salt. The amounts will be to taste, but you will almost certainly need more than you first think. Plain beans are pretty bland.

Now wrestle with the weird, unfamiliar settings on your blender until you get the chickpeas and beans blended together into a mostly even consistency. The beef will probably be done while you're still doing this, so go ahead and turn the heat off when it's ready, then let it sit there and think about what it's done.

When the beans are mostly smooth and taste to your liking, figure out a way to excavate them out of the blender pitcher and into your casserole dish. Try not to look too stupid in the process if anybody else is around. (I usually end up disassembling the blade/shaft assembly and pushing them through the bottom of the pitcher with a spatula. Consult your owners manual. Author not responsible for injury or death.)

Spread the beans in an even layer along the bottom of the dish. Then, spoon the beef mixture on top, and spread it into another even layer on top. The reason you're spooning it is to avoid the pools of grease it's sitting in, but don't worry about draining it or anything. Grease just adds to the flavor.

Put the lid on, and decide whether you want to serve it hot, or cold. If hot, then chuck it into the oven at 300 degrees Fahrenheit for about fifteen minutes. If cold, refrigerate it until it's cool and you're ready to serve it.

Either way, just before serving, spread a layer of sour cream on top of the beef, and then a hefty layer of shredded cheese on top of that.

Optionally, throw on some sliced black olives and garnish with Taco Bell sauce packets.

Serve with tortilla chips, of course.